My DH died , I am heartbroken UPDATE

last year

last modified: last year

It has been 10 days now and i dont know what to do, say or think.

i am numb.

i knew it was coming, he had the big C for the last 18 months. but after so many years together it is hard.

i think harder because he was such a good man. i know that sounds like something everybody says but he truly was loved by all who knew him.

i dont know why I am telling you all here but i feel like you are my second family.

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Jilly

last year

last modified: last year

(((Lyban))) I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart hurts for you.

I also lost my DH after a long and brutal cancer (his second one) and BMT. Since he’d survived the first cancer, I was optimistic he’d survive it again.

His death was a shock I was not prepared for. I felt like someone pushed me out of a plane with no parachute.

I know the searing pain you’re feeling and wish with all my heart I could make it better.

We all have different grief journeys, but what helped me in those early days was finding an online support group to connect with others who were also newly widowed.

I needed to connect with those who were in the same timeframe as me, who understood the chaos of my mind as I tried to cope. We went through awful timelines and ”firsts” together. We kept each other as sane as possible. We did a lot of crying together, but also sometimes succeeded in making each other laugh through our tears, even if just for a second.

I could get online at 2:30 am and find someone else not able to sleep. It was comforting.

In those early soul crushing weeks and months, I was not able to accept that he was gone. I circled through stages of gut-wrenching pain, anger, numbness, intense fear and panic (had my first ever and very terrifying panic attacks), pleading to the universe to bring him back, not being able to eat or sleep, sometimes being taken to my knees with the overwhelming pain.

I had to try to survive it second by second. Reminding myself to breathe. Then I progressed to minute by minute, then hour by hour, then days, and then months.

Later on, it helped me to connect with widowed people who were years ahead of me. It gave me hope that I could somehow survive what felt like my world ending.

Try not to look too far ahead, it’ll only be overwhelming — try to get through each moment being as kind and gentle with yourself as you can. Staying hydrated is so important, and eating whatever you can to keep your strength.

I’m glad you reached out here and hope it helps to see the support. You are very brave and we’re here for you. ❤️

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Comments (127)

nekotish
last year
So sorry for your loss Lyban. I hope you have the support that you need. There are truly no words to make your grief any less but just talking about it might help a little. There are a lot of people here who are present and ready to listen to you. I wish you peace and strength.
Lyban zone 4 thanked nekotish
Kitchenwitch111
last year
I'm so sorry, Lyban. My husband died in 2011 so I know how awful it is. My family, friends and adult children got me through but I also found an online widowed group that was very helpful -- when you're ready. Sending you love -- please keep posting - we are here for you.
Lyban zone 4 thanked Kitchenwitch111
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barncatz
last year
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/03/12/magazine/deathbed-visions-research.html
Lyban zone 4 thanked barncatz
barncatz
last year
last modified: last year
I'm posting this link and hope it doesn't poof. I randomly ran across the article and comments in the late afternoon after a truly bad day missing my horses. I believe, and it sounds so weird, that my mare was comforting me and reminding me that though one dimension of her being is gone, not all has disappeared, and our love abides. Hope someone else enjoys it.
Lyban zone 4 thanked barncatz
Sherry8aNorthAL
last year
last modified: last year
Lyban, I am so sorry. I do grouch about my husband from time to time. I just vent on here. Of course, he and I are different people. He is a "everything must be out at all times" and I am a " everything has a place behind closed doors". He can drive me crazy! He retired in 2003 and it got worse.

I cannot imagine him not here...... We have been married 54 years this July............
Lyban zone 4 thanked Sherry8aNorthAL
LynnNM
last year
(((Lyban))), like all of your ”family” here, I am so incredibly sorry! I can only begin to imagine all you’re going through. My daughter is a clinical mental health therapist and through her I’ve learned how much help they can be, especially during times of trauma like yours. I urge you to consider someone like that to help you if you need. But, please know that we here are also here for you. And know that I will be keeping you in my prayers for comfort❤️
Lyban zone 4 thanked LynnNM
martinca_gw sunset zone 24
last year
Lyban, reading this from you “… my family of virtual friends bring a smile to my face.…” brought tears to my eyes and warmth to my heart. From eld, “Know that the wagons are circling.” … and from bestyears, “Please come here any time and we will show up.”. I have nothing to add to that and all the thoughtful replies from our friends here.
Lyban zone 4 thanked martinca_gw sunset zone 24
blubird
last year
I'm so sorry for your loss, Lyban.
Lyban zone 4 thanked blubird
Gooster
last year
(((((lyban)))))

I'm so sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was truly a great man and wonderful husband.
Lyban zone 4 thanked Gooster
daisychain Zn3b
last year
I can't even imagine how hard this must be. Please take care of yourself and I hope you are able to find support from in person friends and family as well as what we can offer here and, as LynnNM says, there are great professionals out there who can offer invaluable support). Hugs.
Lyban zone 4 thanked daisychain Zn3b
Lizzie_grow
last year
Oh Lyban, I am so sorry. Please continue to reach out. Virtual hugs & healing thoughts....Liz
Lyban zone 4 thanked Lizzie_grow
texanjana
last year
I am so very sorry, Lyban. Holding you in my heart.
Lyban zone 4 thanked texanjana
ljwrar
last year
I am very sorry for your loss. May his memory be a blessing.
Lyban zone 4 thanked ljwrar
stacey_mb
last year
So sorry, Lyban, to hear your sad news. I hope that your memories of your dear DH will help sustain you through this sad and difficult time.
Lyban zone 4 thanked stacey_mb
HU-23972413
last year
Sending you loving thoughts as you travel this road.
Lyban zone 4 thanked HU-23972413
ladypat1
last year
Cannot think of words that will take the pain away. Give yourself time and try to be around others. ((Lyban))
Lyban zone 4 thanked ladypat1
Lyban zone 4
Original Author
last year
Good morning my dear virtual friends. i was blown away by all your words of love and support. i am feeling a bit better today.

i know time is what i need and i do try to stay strong .

i have one daughter and one grand daughter and i know i have to be here for them.

A few asked about my DH, I met him through work , we were married for 57 years . He was a very kind and generous person. he would always want to help others and i never heard him say a bad word about anyone, he accepted everyone as they were.

He had a beautiful close relationship with our daughter and GD.

again thank you for being here for me and i come to the forum often now to pass some time and read about what others are up to.
maddielee
last year
I wish I had been lucky enough to have known him Lyban.

I think he would say the same about you. Remember to take care of yourself. ❤️
Lyban zone 4 thanked maddielee
blfenton
last year
Fifty-seven years! Wow. You and your DH are so blessed. He sounds like a really fine and decent person. ((((hugs))))
Lyban zone 4 thanked blfenton
graywings123
last year
I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine what you are going through. I'm reminded of the phrase:

with great love comes great pain, and with great loss comes the greatest pain of all
Lyban zone 4 thanked graywings123
Jilly
last year
Hugs, Lyban. It’s good to see you posting … thank you for sharing more about your wonderful DH.

Thinking of you and your family. ❤️
Lyban zone 4 thanked Jilly
barncatz
last year
last modified: last year
I just had lunch with my dear cousin, whose husband died about 7 years ago. We had a great discussion about the magnitude of this particular loss. She described her husband in words very similar to yours. She said at one point "You go on. What choice do you have?" And I told her, no, you had a choice. And you chose to build back a really good life.

Thinking of you.
Lyban zone 4 thanked barncatz
rubyclaire
last year
"You go on. What choice do you have?" And I told her, no, you had a choice. And you chose to build back a really good life.

I love this.
Lyban zone 4 thanked rubyclaire
dani_m08
last year
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Lyban zone 4 thanked dani_m08
Kswl
last year
A work romance that became a 57 year marriage— how wonderful for you both! It can be tiring to be the strong one all the time. Take care of yourself along with your daughter and granddaughter. I am thankful you three have each other to lean on ❤️
Lyban zone 4 thanked Kswl
mtnrdredux_gw
last year
Fifty seven years, how wonderful! It is never enough though, however long we have together.

As far as being strong. I say not always. I always tell DH "stoicism is highly overrated." Allow yourself your feelings at least from time to time.

I know from your posts you are very close to your DD and GD, what a blessing.
Lyban zone 4 thanked mtnrdredux_gw
Arapaho-Rd
last year
Lyban, what a wonderful man he was. I'm so happy for you that you have a daughter and granddaughter to call yours.

You've been on my mind since I read your post. Honestly. With each thought I've said a prayer for your healing.

I hope you stay with us here to be a part of this special group of people, who are there in many ways that sometimes in-real-life people are not.
Lyban zone 4 thanked Arapaho-Rd
Annie Deighnaugh
last year
Lyban, just thinking of you and sending you thoughts of comfort and solace in this most difficult time.
Lyban zone 4 thanked Annie Deighnaugh
Bethpen
last year
Lyban, I'm so very sorry for your devastating loss. May the memory of your 57 years together bring you comfort.
Lyban zone 4 thanked Bethpen
Annie Deighnaugh
last year
One of the best poems ever for grief. I cry every time I read it..

Epitaph

by Merrit Malloy

When I die

Give what’s left of me away

To children

And old men that wait to die.

And if you need to cry,

Cry for your brother

Walking the street beside you.

And when you need me,

Put your arms

Around anyone

And give them

What you need to give to me.

I want to leave you something,

Something better

Than words

Or sounds.

Look for me

In the people I’ve known

Or loved,

And if you cannot give me away,

At least let me live on in your eyes

And not on your mind.

You can love me most

By letting

Hands touch hands,

By letting

Bodies touch bodies,

And by letting go

Of children

That need to be free.

Love doesn’t die,

People do.

So, when all that’s left of me Is love,

Give me away.

I’ll see you at home In the earth.
Lyban zone 4 thanked Annie Deighnaugh
lascatx
last year
I have 2 books of poems by Merrit Malloy and I have always loved that one.
Lyban zone 4 thanked lascatx
elunia
last year
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find comfort and peace in the memories of your husband.
Lyban zone 4 thanked elunia
kitschykitch
last year
Just to say I (and I am sure others) have been thinking about you and hope you are healing.
Lyban zone 4 thanked kitschykitch
Kswl
last year
❤️
Lyban zone 4 thanked Kswl
Lyban zone 4
Original Author
last year
Kitschykitch & Kswl,

thank you for thinking of me . things are getting a bit better every day. there are times i can go a few days and manage quite well and then for no reason I go to pieces.

but that said i do see more light at the end of the tunnel.

i realize now that i still have a daughter and grand daughter that need me so I am working hard on trying to stay strong for them and i guess myself.

i am lucky to have them and am trying to be positive and count my blessings.

i know my DH would have wanted that.
Jilly
last year
Hugs, Lyban ❤️❤️
Lyban zone 4 thanked Jilly
mtnrdredux_gw
last year
I am so glad to see an update from you Lynn. You sound better. Be gentle with yourself! 💕
Lyban zone 4 thanked mtnrdredux_gw
Arapaho-Rd
last year
Lyban ❤️ 🙏
Lyban zone 4 thanked Arapaho-Rd
daisychain Zn3b
last year
Take care, Lyban. Think about you often and appreciate the update.
Lyban zone 4 thanked daisychain Zn3b
OutsidePlaying
last year
Sending good wishes and hugs, Lyban. It is great to read your update.
Lyban zone 4 thanked OutsidePlaying
pudgeder
last year
Grief is a process that cannot be rushed through. Be gentle on yourself. ((hugs))
Lyban zone 4 thanked pudgeder
martinca_gw sunset zone 24
last year
Thank you for your update. You have been the thoughts of all here.
Lyban zone 4 thanked martinca_gw sunset zone 24
morz8 - Washington Coast
last year
Hugs and strength to you Lyban....
Lyban zone 4 thanked morz8 - Washington Coast
maddielee
last year
Peace and love to you Lyban.
Lyban zone 4 thanked maddielee
hhireno
last year
I’m glad to hear from you. Wishing you a continued smooth path.
Lyban zone 4 thanked hhireno
rich69b
last year
Wishing you comfort and strength, love and peace.
Lyban zone 4 thanked rich69b
DLM2000-GW
last year
Grief is an unmarked path we have to travel to get to an unknown destination. One step at a time.
Lyban zone 4 thanked DLM2000-GW
Annie Deighnaugh
last year
Thank you for the update Lyban. I liken grief to waves in a storm. At first they knock you over from every which way and seem never to stop. With time they come less often and less powerful, but then every once in awhile, for no reason at all, a rogue wave will come along and toss you again. It's only because we've loved so much that we grieve so deeply. Sending you thoughts of comfort and solace.
Lyban zone 4 thanked Annie Deighnaugh
barncatz
last year
Thank you for your post, Lyban. Seeing something other than the huge hole left by your loved one is just a tiny reassurance that your life will still have joy. DH and I were at a poetry reading yesterday and an author read one about that "rogue wave" Annie described so well. It is still such early days for you, keep taking care of your grieving heart.
Lyban zone 4 thanked barncatz
maire_cate
last year
Just sending hugs your way and prayers for healing.

My DH died , I am heartbroken UPDATE

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