Oh gosh, what a twist to the story. Sorry to hear of her illness.

Pesky; I'm sorry she may have liver cancer. I don't know; did anyone hear this besides her? Please don't take this wrong but from what I know of your MIL; do you think she's really been told this or is she using it for sympathy? People do stretch the truth. Never know; they may have seen something & need to check it out & she got cancer from that discussion?

I still do not feel you needed to apologize & I hope this won't be an excuse for her to treat you worst. Some people with cancer are miserable.

Wait till you hear it yourself before you get yourself sick.
You're really going to need a lot of strength to deal with her right now..

~Hugs

Rose, it's legit. She won't joke or even tell us of a scare if it's not real. That is one thing about her, she won't joke around about health.

I didn't really apologize, it's just that tonight when she told me and she again apologized for us 'having words' I told her that that was beside the point right now.

I'm now struggling with my own self-I was the one in charge when she first had cancer...I spoke with the Drs and kept the notes, her meds in order, etc. Her DH fell apart-literally, he had to be hospitalized for a while-and I had to deal with her sons emotions, too. I didn't let myself grieve until after they released her from the hospital with the announcement she was cancer free.

Then when DHs father died, I once again had to step in and take charge of everything. Luckily for me my Mother came in and helped me so I had a chance to break down and cry myself (I was close to my FIL).

So this time I'm NOT going to be the one taking charge. She has two sons, a new DIL, her stepchildren...I do not need to be the strong one here. I'm just worried that it'll appear I'm being such a beeotch due to that last argument. It's silly, but I'm having such guilt over it. Coming on the heels of all the other crap I've dealt with this year, I just am not in a good emotional place. I'm trying to grow myself and be responsible for making myself happy and less of a caretaker. (A role I despise, by the way)

Sorry to rant, nerves are shot and I have got to get to bed.

I'm so sorry Pesky. Of course now, the argument is not even important. I'll tell you what someone told me when my mom was ill and I said something about not being sure I could handle something, etc., etc. and one of mom's caregivers told me - yes, you'll handle this, this is not about YOU, it is about your mother. You do what you have to do to get through the situation. You do what you have to do, whatever you can do, to help your mother-in-law. As with my mom's diagnosis (pancreatic cancer), liver cancer is also a very scary diagnosis. I hope that your MIL's children and other family members can step up to the plate and do what they have to do to help her through this. My thoughts and prayers are with your MIL and your family.

tina

Pesky, let go of this last arguement with your MIL. Her mind is now focused on this new diagnosis. So, move forward from this point.
Right now you are over whelmed. You have been the sole person in charge for so many years, for so many times, you are mentally exhausted.
Others can step up to the plate. If it looks like things are falling on you, gently direct to the next person. Only do what you feel you can this time around.
Stop feeling guilty. At some point you might be able to clear the air with MIL. She knows that for whatever reason the two of you don't get along. But I can't beleive that she doesn't see all the good you have done all these years despite your relationship with her.
Here is what I do when stress gets too much. I give myself permission to NOT think about it for a specific amount of time. If I can't actually do anything or change anything at the moment, I might say to my self OK, I can think about this in two days. Take a mental break.
I know that you are very busy with work and your house, but I am wondering if you can fit in time for a yoga class or even one of those 10 minute back massages that all the nail salon seem to do? You need "me time".

Be prepared to be the one in charge again.

The reason you were in charge before was because none of them want(ed) to do it. It is so much easier to let you do it, because you're capable & take charge, and then sit back and complain, than it is to be the one in charge. If that is the family dynamic, up to this point, you should expect that to continue.

I think the best you can plan for is to try to guide & gently encourage one of the others, or a few of the others, to step up. They will probably just sit back and wait for you to do your thing of taking control. If you really don't want to do it, I'm afraid you'll have to be proactive in getting them involved ASAP. Make suggestions, explain what you might do if you were in charge of the situation, but since Joe/Betty Sue/whoever is, then here's some advice about what might be needed. Maybe offer to take some small role like 'I'll send out the emails to keep everyone up-to-date' or whatever you want to do on your terms. If your nature is to take charge, you'll probably feel the need to be doing something.

I wouldn't mention the earlier kerfuffle or the years of the strained relationship or what you've handled for this group in the past, at this point that is ancient history. I would just stress this is their mother and someone needs to be there for her.

Family situations can be so, so difficult even before you add in life threatening health problems. Expect to bite your tongue about things that happen. Remember, they are new to this. They have abdicated their responsibilities in the past so they might not handle it as smoothly as possible. Good luck.

I know how shot your nerves are.
You're going to have to put your foot down about what you'll do & what you won't do.

Hopefully she has her affairs in order & if not; that may be something for you to steer people in the right direction. Also setting up a caring bridge page; figuring out where she'll have treatment & what type of hospice she'll be able to have. I don't know how advanced they are with liver cancer; I can give you links to where you can find a questions list for doctors & a few message boards.

Let's hope that her moods don't decline. As I said; some people just get really nasty when they are diagnosed; even people that normally would not be nasty.

Sorry; I was not prepared to read this twist in the story.. never in a million years........

I really agree with hhireno. But, not everyone can be in charge, usually only one. If that is something that occurs naturally and welcome-ly to you, don't sweat it so much. Do what needs to be done and don't worry so much about your husband and all the dynamics.
If he should feel resentful that you are handling things, then you can back off, but he probably won't, based on things you said about him.

Every relationship is different, he has faults, so do you. You both have strengths.

The only way to not take charge is to not step up and offer to do something, even make a webpage. IMO, guiding and encouraging the family is the first step to everyone looking to you to do things. Sit on your hands, tape your mouth shut, don't answer your phone, whatever will stop you from doing what comes naturally - they need some time to look at each other and decide how they will care for her.

After the morning I had today, I have firmly decided I DO NOT want to take any role in this latest episode. I did talk to her husband and he said his kids had been notified and want to help-so I said GOOD, take them up on it. Later I talked to MIL who is upbeat (I think she's terrified and refusing to accept it, which is fine, I can understand that). She mentioned having to lean on my husband primarily and it kind of made me mad...I told her to also accept help from others if they offer it. I'm being selfish by saying that because if my husband is stressed to the limit, it affects me.

I came home early from work today to find that he'd read an IM convo with my sister and naturally, he took it out of context. So we had words, and I just walked away. I told him that no matter what I did, I'd be the bad guy, and I am hurting and scared and sad myself. I DO NOT want to be in charge and I refuse to do so. I don't know that my relationship with him is going to survive this, and frankly, at this point I don't care.

THanks all for your kind words of support. I appreciate having the opportunity to hear varied responses and to be able to give thought to what is said.

I feel sorry that you are not on the same page as DH. Use us as your support system. It sounds like you have a sister you can confide in as well. From now on, erase all emails, IM's, text messages etc. They are your personal conversations and do not have to be shared unless you want to.

Pesky, you've been totally blind sighted by this latest news and your husband must feel the same. I don't blame you for having severe fright flight now, it's what we do. Take some deep breaths and, when you feel you can handle it, speak to your husband honestly and without rancor. He must be shattered and now he may feel he's losing two people. Take some time to be silent. State how you feel and how you plan to let her own family handle it. I'm willing to bet that your mother in law really admires you for your kindness and your strength. If she asks you for help, be honest with her and tell her you can only handle what's on your plate right now but you will certainly be concerned and know that her family can handle it. God bless all of you.

Well said, Hhireno and Bumblebeez!

Pesky, I'm sorry about your mil's illness. It is nice that you care for her and realize that you do, in spite of personality flaws and difficulties. Your mature attitude and commitment to move on and focus on her current health issues is admirable.

You're definitely the grown-up in the clan. Unfortunately, some people over-function in a family, while the other members under-function. At the end of the day though, you can't worry about how others live and conduct themselves. You must do what feels right and responsible and necessary according to your own standards.

Pesky; when is her next appointment?

Thanks for asking roselvr. I am going with her on Aug 8th when she meets with the oncologist. She's been diagnosed at this time with inoperable 2ndary liver cancer. We don't know yet if chemo is appropriate, and if so intended to be for pre-surgical or simply pallative. I have given in to a childish desire to pretend nothing is wrong-and I have discussed that with my DH. But for my own sense of well being I am going to this first appoinent so I can learn first hand what is going on. From that point I will decide how long I'll allow myself to be in denial and what level of participation in her care I will take.

Fortunately my DH is being remarkably adult about this so far.

I'm glad you're going to the appointment; someone needs to take in information. This will allow you to know 1st hand what's going on. I'm glad your hub is being adult about it; hopefully it lasts. People usually lose it when cancer is involved.

~Hugs

Keep us posted.

I have mixed feelings about you going to the appt. By doing so you're automatically sending the wrong signal to the rest of the family that you will be the one in charge.

HH described it perfectly. You take charge then complain. She's married, right? It's her husband who should be there at her side at this point in time, not you. Or if not him, one of her kids, even if that means your dh.

Speaking of your dh, why are you against her leaning on him? He's going to be stressed either way. I gather they're very close. If he wants to be her rock, let him & support him a 100%, with no complaints. This is the end of her life. You'll give him a guilt complex if you hold him back from being with his mom.

I'd cancel going to the appt., and let her dh or your dh go with her instead. If not, you will be the major care taker.

I agree with oakleyok. But, I also understand your "push and pull" feeling in all of this. On the one hand ,you are stressed and do not want to once again take on the major care taker role. On the other hand, there is a part of you that feels you and only you are able to take charge and do things right. You need to let go of this idea.
How about bringing DH or another family member with you to the appointment? This way at least there will be a sense that you are sharing the responsibility of her care and a clear message that you are not going to handle this alone.

I didn't mean that Pesky complains about being in charge, I meant that the others allow her to be in charge and then they complain that Pesky is in charge.

Regardless, the most competent person needs to go to that appointment. Someone needs to take notes, ask questions, get clarifications, understand the plan, and make sure there aren't any miscommunications. I suspect that Pesky is that person.

But I agree that making one of the others go along also is a good idea. It should be the most competent of the bunch - someone who will remain calm, someone who has the potential to step up and be in charge for their blood relative or spouse, someone who has the ability to comprehend the treatment plan and relay that info to the rest of the family.

Think of it a training session for the heir apparent of family responsibility. They'll never learn to step-up if they are never expected to or groomed for the job.

I don't consider myself (too) controlling, but I would not trust my husband, SIL, or FIL to be the best advocate if my MIL was in this situation. I would go along because I have the advantage of not being as emotionally invested as they are, because I have a medical background, and I have served as the advocate for my husband's illness. In this hypothetical situation, I would see that my husband was the advocate but I would be there guiding him.

That's what I recommend. Pesky has to do what is right and true to her and that family.

Well put, hhireno.

hhireno explained it perfectly. DH is going to the appointment also, we're not sure if her husband is going...he claims he's 'not up to it'. This is his MO...he has given up on life years ago and while perfectly healthy, has become an invalid, and she's his primary caregiver. It's pretty sickening. And the reason I am going is she has asked me to go for the reasons hhireno mentioned.

She has one other son, who lives out of town-this is the anti-Buddha BIL. He is essentially worthless and she makes excuses for him not being able to come help her. She is the queen of making excuses for others! Her DH has children but he's pretty much estranged from them, due to his attitude on life. They may or may not offer to help her, but I've already made it clear that I WILL NOT step in to help him...that is entirely up to his children.

I'm not happy about her depending 100% on my DH because it'll be too much for him to handle. He's got a mysterious health issue going on-long story-he's gone thru virtually every test known to man and they STILL can't pinpoint the issue. That has been causing me a lot of stress, as well as him. He wants to be there for her, and will, but he can't do it all...his business is at it's busy season, he's got order he HAS to get out; he's also sick, etc. If he were her only option for help, then I'd be ok with him doing it, we'd manage, but there are others who CAN help, she just doesn't want to put them out. I guess what is getting to me is that she's already ruled out offers of help from others and is expecting DH to do it all. I will not tell him I don't like that, it's his right to do what he feels he can do for her, but I don't have to be happy about her essentially taking advantage of his being self-employed. That is also a deeper issue...everyone he knows tends to think that because he works from home he's available to drop anything and do their bidding. He's not good at setting boundaries, so he tries to serve everyone and he and I ultimately suffer the consequences. So again, her wanting him to do everything is an issue of his not setting the boundaries.

I am not going to do any more than I want to do for my own well being. My role is essentially going to be the one who transcribes the pertinent information. Others can take it from there. But having been thru this with my father and her once before, keeping it all written in a note book helps with every appointment, doctor, pharmacist, etc. That's all I'm going to do, be the recorder-the rest of them can figure it out. Oh, and I'll be an advocate for my DH...if I see it's getting to be too much for him, I'll direct someone else to step in for a change.

Pesky; I've been on a quest to figure out what's wrong with my daughter; maybe I can help your hub.. is it pain related; or general not feeling well like something is off with heart/lungs vascular?

I feel that going to the appointment is good to show support & so you can take the info in. You're the only one that can do this. From there; you decide how involved you want to be. If you get involved & it back fires; so be it; step back if you need to.

If anything; this will get shoved in your lap whether you want it to or not. Apparently the men in the family are worth less; thank God if you stay with your hub that you have your own kids to help you because who knows if he'd be there for you

I agree with Roselvr. Unless you firmly speak up now and tell your MIL that the other people who "can" help, WILL help, then it will all fall into your lap.

She may not want their help now, but once they start she'll be glad to have their help and company.

You've already put yourself into a passive-aggressive situation and it will only get worse..guilt..anger...resentment, once she's gone.

I feel sorry that you're in this situation, but I feel worse for your MIL. No one in her family wants to help her in her final days. Even if she is hard to get along with, it's still sad.

You need to take the bull by the horns now, and tell everyone in the family, including your MIL, that ALL of you are going to step up to the plate and help her. And that no one person will have to do the lion's share.

Either that or take it day by day and stop stressing about it. Learn to say "No" when you can't help.

Poor Pesky. :(

That's actually not a bad idea with everyone taking turns if it can be organized that way & it is very sad if no one wants to help her if it's her final days.

It's not easy being a person with morals & feelings in a family like this & you have to do what you can live with. That's how I've always done things is knowing I can say I have no regrets even if I b!tch & moan while doing it because it had to be me to step up. They have to live with themselves & what they wouldn't do.