What a tough situation you're in. Personally, I could not live in a dark cluttered home. Can you have a mother daughter talk before you make the final decision?

There are options which are not mainstream you might consider. I like the idea of flexible, multi-generational, co-family living. The "idea" - putting it into practice is a bit tricky. But as we age, such co-living -- that is, separate but close -- is a grand concept.

Since she has such a large property, could you live in an RV, or even a yurt (I love yurts!) there temporarily until you can build a separate dwelling?

Zoning regulations could be a problem. There's a great book you might refer to: Little House on a Small Planet.

Here is a link that might be useful: Little House on a Small Planet

Though I don't have experience with a situation such as you're describing, I know couldn't live in a dark, cluttered space for any length of time and would need to find another option. Would a small prefab home on her property be an option? I believe they can be quite reasonably priced and well constructed; perhaps it could be added on to when additional funds are available?

It would seem to me that she would benefit greatly by you being there, so it's a win-win.

I would discuss with her, and make it a condition, that you agree on some things you could do to make it feel more like "your home" too, which is not unreasonable IMHO. Something middle of the road, or a subset of rooms that you can do as you please?

Seems there is unanimity here and I'm just going to chime in: please don't move into your mother's home with ANY expectation she will allow or tolerate you changing it to fit your own style. In my experience two of the strongest needs for elderly people are autonomy, that feeling they are still in control of their enviroment and continuity, the comfort of being surrounded by objects and designs of their home that are familiar.

My stepmother is a retired professor of occupational therapy whose specialty is geriatric care and she says that for the elderly, it is especially important that their activities of daily life are supported by having everything set up to their liking so there is no need for conscious thinking. That's hugely important for you to consider; what may seem like much needed changes (light! bright! uncluttered!) might cause your mother huge negative issues in living her life independently.

Anyway, since you are also at a point in your life with a lot of changes and stress I'd only consider that move if and as you and your husband can indeed live somewhat independently while being close to your mom.

Good luck, tough decisions to make I know.
Ann

There are other options besides moving in with Mom, e.g., moving near Mom into a smaller place or even renting and investing the money you would net from the sale of your current home, which would then generate income for you.
That way you could lower your expenses, raise your income and still have your own space and keep your own stuff. And be nearer to her to help out, which most likely she will need as she ages.

I guess a lot depends on the relationship you have with your mother...but even if it is a close relationship I would buy a small house or condo (with the proceeds from the sale of your current home?) or rent an apartment nearby for a few years. I would want my own private space to do as I please. Your husband may not relish the idea of living with MIL either. The 3 of you will be home all day (since you will work from home).....familiarity breeds contempt! It will be money well-spent to have your own place close by. Good luck with your decision!

" I love our house, but it seems that it is all I am working for now."

It's this statement that makes me think a small, on-site solution, like an Accessory Dwelling Unit, might be better for the OP. Something on the property, to be near, but not living in the main house, and something with no or very low debt.

Interesting, I guess I am an outlier!

I think of your elderly mom as so lucky to have you guys moving in. She will have company and care. Yes, there are always downsides and tensions, but that is what family is about --- you work through that because first and foremost you want to help each other and be with each other.

If I were your Mom, I would want you there (and it sounds like she does). I would also recognize that it will no longer be just my own home, but your home too. To that end I might agree to give you free reign to some portion of the home, and/or to changes in my home.

It seems to me that the answer to this can only depend on the people involved. I would have a really frank discussion to see how she views it, and, it may sounds weird, but if you do agree on some things, I would jot them down.

Good luck with all of these changes!

This post was edited by mtnrdredux on Fri, Oct 10, 14 at 12:14

I loved my Mom very much and miss her terribly, but would never ever want to live with her, nor she with I. We both need and understood the need for our own space. So she moved a mile down the road from me...it was a perfect arrangement....for DH too.

Cousins have a son who had a large house and he has an architectural background so he expanded and finished the basement to create a 1000 sq ft apartment down there for them. They moved in and everyone so far seems pretty happy. But it is really their own separate space even though they are under the same roof. I'd still be nervous about it, but it seems to work for them.

I would have to be truly desperate to sell a house that I love and had spent 10 years improving to move 1000 miles away and live in someone else's dark and cluttered house. No way, no how.

Runninginplace gave a very good warning that bears repeating:

Please don't move into your mother's home with ANY expectation she will allow or tolerate you changing it to fit your own style. In my experience two of the strongest needs for elderly people are autonomy, that feeling they are still in control of their environment and continuity, the comfort of being surrounded by objects and designs of their home that are familiar."

And for the elderly, it is especially important that their activities of daily life are supported by having everything set up to their liking so there is no need for conscious thinking. That's hugely important for you to consider; what may seem like much needed changes (light! bright! uncluttered!) might cause your mother huge negative issues in living her life independently.

My dad lived with us for 5 years. I loved sharing time with him and hearing stories I had never heard before. But it was very stressful on my husband and I. I don't regret it, but I had alot of important decisions to make on my own because the rest of my family lived up north.

You're not the only one Mtnrdredux. I feel the same way as you in having a good talk before moving forward. And yes, it could very well work out for both lynndale, her hubby and Mom.
I think it's becoming more common again for multi generations to live in one home again. Our son and grandson live with us. They each have their own bedroom that shares a bathroom and we've turned our daughter's bedroom suite into their living room so they actually could each have their own bathroom.

Surely you could renovate or change your own bedroom, and perhaps an adjacent bedroom to use as a sitting room. Then the changes need not impact your mother's living situation at all.

I think it sounds like a great idea. My mother lives independently in a fab penthouse condo in a city an hour away. We've talked about this issue and she wants me to quit working and come up and stay with her for two weeks at a time, then she will come down to the country and stay with us two weeks at a time. She's a crafty old thing :-)

Mine is of a temporary nature so may not be of any value -

My mother has lived out of town for 30 years and has just moved back in to be nearer to family - she is now 85 and is still independent living so it's a good time to do so and it was her decision. (`In the past, when she has come into town she has stayed with me for the 2-3 days that she is here). However, her apartment is not ready for 6 weeks and we are into week 4 of her living with me and it has been a nightmare. I `thought I knew my mom but I have learned some things about her that surprised me.

She has her own schedule and demands that I adhere to it which means that I make dinner for her for 5:30 and dinner for the rest of us, as usual, for 6:30. No one is home until then. She only wants what she chooses which means same old, same old. So I am making 2 dinners every night.

Lunch has to be served at 12:00 on the dot.

I am an at-home-mom and turns out, according to her, I have no money. It is all my DH's money which means I get this "You're going out for coffee with so-and-so? Does DH know your wasting his money like that? What a waste of time!"

She is rude to people - I never knew that. She is a complainer - I never knew that. She has exaggerated her physical abilities through the years - I never understood that - those 2 hour hikes she talked about well I'm lucky to get her out for a 30 minute walk. She is very critical about everything I do and she is critical of my sons to their faces - they are staying away from the house. Everything is an argument.

All of this to say - listen to what runninginplace said and what graywings reinforced. If you choose to do it - have a quick, viable exit plan.

Do not assume that you know your mom. Do not assume that this will be a 50/50 living arrangement of any sort. For your mom, as for mine, it will/may be a stressful change.

My mantra is - "she's my mom, she's 85" and repeat. And I try to remember that I too, will someday be 85.

Just to put another angle of thought on what you're doing: I work from home. I think there are a few more things to consider.

If her house is dark and cluttered, it may be difficult for you to have suitable office space there. I do my best work at home because my home office is set up in the best way for me. Will you even be able to have dedicated space that you can set up so that it works for you?

Will your husband and your mother both be able to respect your working time? People don't always get that working from home requires dedicated task time-- they can't be coming in and asking you to help them with things, having random conversations, etc. And if you're on a conference call or video call, you can't have conversations or a television making noise in the background.

One more thing...have you thought about how you'll handle things if your husband or your mother have a health crisis that escalates their needs dramatically? My own mother had a major stroke some time ago. She was perfectly physically capable one day and the next, she was profoundly disabled. She's better than she was, but she still has heavy-duty needs. I take over her care during about 2/3 of my vacation time so that her primary caregiver (a relative) can get some time off, and I quickly learned that I had to do it as vacation time-- I cannot plan to get any work done on those visits. If it weren't for my relative giving up her retirement to take over, my mother would have to be in assisted living-- there's no way someone with a job could take care of her, even someone working from home. Either the job would suffer or the caregiving would suffer. If you do take the big step of moving in with your mother, I would very strongly recommend giving some thought to the what-ifs. Have a plan, and make sure that you, your husband, and your mother are all good with it.

I agree with the working from home issue. I've worked from home for about 10 years. First of all, the truth is you tend to work more hours not less. I'm more effective, but it is harder to step away. You should have a dedicated work space with phone and Internet that is ideally some place you can shut the door at least over the weekend.

We lived with my mom for a short time during a renovation. She was really happy to have us and we enjoyed our time together with the caveat that we have very different lifestyles and comfort zones. We didn't make changes to her house at all, just fit ourselves in but I could tell the amount of stuff we brought with us was a little stressful for her. She's not yet in her 80's so health wasn't an issue.

As much as she liked having people and companionship, we were in the way of her regular schedule. As for working, I had to take over open office space. It was too small and i worked out of boxes. As a result, during the day neither one of us had privacy. The only way I could have any was to work on the bed in my room. My productivity was impacted in a way that was only acceptable for a short period of time.

It is her home and she is older, you are going to be able to build a new home in a few years, you should accept her home the way it is.
Focus on your relationship with her. It may be that when you get there, she may be OK with you re-doing a room or two, but if she is not, she should be able to spend her winter years in an environment that is a comfort to her.