I've been thinking about tone-setting in connection with master bedrooms quite a bit, because I've been struggling for a long time with mine. You most often see ideal bedrooms being described as calm, soothing, spa-like, or as auntjen says, "serene and lovely."

Isn't that kind of the opposite of cozy/sexy?

I'm not sure, but I finally decided that the mood I want isn't any of those things, but "fun and happy." So-- do whatever you want that makes you happy and in the mood.

Anele - you get me. ;-)

A gross mattress ... oh, my gosh. Excellent example of a mood-killer. And yes - clutter. I've seen into bedrooms where dirty clothes were tossed here and there, having not yet made it to the laundry room. It's not hard to envision being distracted to "non-performance" in such a room where yesterday's socks are lying there mocking you.

This thread is proving that we each have our own definition of sexy. For me, serene and lovely ARE sexy, and cozy can be something different. We each obviously draw from our own unique experiences.

In my house, downstairs I have some brighter colors, colors that are stimulating and I consider that area of the house the public area. Upstairs, I consider the private area. The kids area uses color that reflect the kids. The parents bedroom is my escape room, away room. The colors are calmer (my coverlet is from RH and is eucalyptus, the duvet cover is muted in colors that coordinate). I rarely keep unfolded laundry in the room. For us, there is no television (we watch so little it is not worth it). We do bring in handheld devices, because it is a place I can escape to. The dogs are not allowed in the room. The kids can come in and sit in the bed and read with us but there toys are not allowed in there either unless they are showing us something and taking it out (the youngest is 8 now so not a big deal). I think part of what gives the room the serenity is the rules that we have established around it.

That being said, if I could figure out how to strategically place mirrors, I would absolutely do it. Right now, the master bedroom is the only room where the ironing board makes sense so that is where it is, but I generally try not to leave it out for an extended period. I think it is important if a bedroom is a place for me to feel at my best that the colors be flattering to the skin tones of those using it. There was a decorating book once that mentioned shades of peach in the bed/bath area for its flattering qualities (although others would likely benefit from another range of colors). One thing I would do to enhance my bedroom and the serenity (and sexy) aspects is to get a solid core door, to block noise from within as well as without! As far smoky purple tones, my bathroom is painted River Rouge by Sherwin Williams. It is a plum color with cocoa undertones, I so adore it. However, it is not a shade of purple that is all that in right now so I am having a hard time finding accents to bring into my bedroom of it.

Auntjen-- exactly! And while I love cozy, call me sexist (no, really-- call me sexist!) but an overly feminine room does not at all feel romantic. It can feel cozy, inviting, etc. but even though my husband would not/does not care (it wouldn't be his taste) it would not be "him" so then it wouldn't be "us."

Ha, ha, I re-read my other post and I commented about not being able to work in a cluttered room! That makes it sound like I get paid for what goes on in the bedroom-- I meant work as in paying bills, writing a document, etc. just in case there was any doubt, hee hee!

Gross mattress made me laugh. Quite a long time ago I was acquainted with a young gentleman who slept on a mattress on the floor that he'd found in an alley...not sure that wouldn't kill the mood these days but it didn't seem to bother me back then!

I think I feel better about myself and my life when my bedroom is decently clean and uncluttered...the mental to-do list doesn't tick over quite as much.

tishtoshnm - that's a really good idea about painting the room in flattering colours.

I think that there are stages or levels of de-stressing and escaping. For eg when my husband crosses the bridge from downtown to the area in which we live is his first level. There are only two ways to our area and both are bridges over water (no surface roads) so for him that's his first level of "escape" from the day. For us, the last level is our bedroom - quietening the brain, letting things go, and just being. Yes, you can't escape it all but I, and this is just my opinion, think that the bedroom is important for doing just that, getting yourself ready for a good nights restful sleep without distractions. (Ok well, maybe one).

Robo, haha! I love the "young gentleman" and "acquainted" choice of words! And yes, in my younger days, different things mattered. (Though not the working in a cluttered room thing-- could never do homework in a messy room!)

I think of our room as a spot to get away from everything else - it is peaceful and calm. The colors in the room are cream/aqua/tan. We like nice, indulgent (that's another word I like for a bedroom) sheets, each person has two sleeping pillows if wanted, cozy snuggly blanket, etc. Our room is large enough to have an area with a chair/ottoman and a chairside table and basket (for books). A nice little reading spot. We do have a tv in our room, it's hidden in an armoire. We are not big tv people, but on days I work, I generally have the local news on while getting ready. If we do decide to watch a show or a movie, we sometimes prefer to do that in the bedroom. My hubby keeps one of those big support chair-back like pillows (not sure what they are called) in the adjoining closet and he likes that for tv watching or reading. We've never had family pictures in the room. Things I like for a romantic room are a plush, comfy bed with nice linens. They need to FEEL nice. Candles. I love a pretty chandelier, but I'm with you - we are hooked on sleeping (and other activities LOL) beneath the ceiling fan. Pal is cracking me up but I do understand what he is saying.

I love the ideas expressed here! And yes, at one time in my life the alley-found mattress on the floor might not have bothered ME either. Long ago and far away. ;-)

Now that purple tones have been mentioned, I've been thinking of how I could bring them into the room I've already got (sort of ) in my mind. Keep in mind that this is VERY rough and just a start - but do you think these colors work together? Maybe the aquas and the amethysts need to go a bit duskier. ETA: I've just realized that purple IS a shade of sea glass!

Romantic. That's another good word that I should have used initially. Again, romantic is defined differently by different people, but it's still a good description of what I long for.

One of these days I should horrify you all with photos of the master bedroom I had in the mid- to late-80s. It was pink and ruffled and frilled and there WERE dolls sitting on the white wicker chair and loveseat, and ornately-framed prints were hung on pink and green ribbons. At the time, I thought it was just the HEIGHT of loveliness. Now I kinda have to squelch back a hurl every time it comes to mind.

In my experience, it wasn't so much the setting that was a turn-on as the place in which it was consummated.

Are you wanting a little more glamour, after the rustic/country feel of your last bedroom? (Which was lovely and cozy, but I understand wanting a change.)

I ask, because I'm in that spot right now. Tired of my current bedroom decor, which I've had, with only minor changes, for 11+ yrs. It's fairly rustic ... Mexican pine furniture, pencil post bed, plain bedspread, everything in browns and golds, Navajo baskets, etc. I'm wanting a more sophisticated and luxurious room now, especially a more feminine feel. Not too much, I don't want a Candice Olson glitter/sparkle/4,000 tiny can lights room that reminds me of a jewelry store. I'm just ready for a new look, and I can really imagine feeling that in a new home.

I like the direction you're headed, and can't wait to see how it evolves! I understand what you mean about wanting a more sensual feeling to the room.

I don't get the whole thing and think the notion of a "romantic" hotel/vacation/dinner/bedroom is a giant marketing ploy--because romance is an internal thing to me not an external one--so I shouldn't really continue to contribute. But all the things that people are saying make a room not romantic so should be avoided: distractions, dirt, clutter, clothing, an uncomfortable mattress, a dirty mattress....well, all these things would bug the hell out of me anyway on an everyday basis.

Yes, MizG - I am indeed wanting more glamour! I still love rustic, but don't want that to be the overall vibe of our master bedroom anymore. That's fine for other spots in the house, except that I don't really want things to be so cutesy as they were in my previous home. More ... upscale rustic, I guess you'd say? (That looks ridiculously pretentious to even type out, but hopefully you know what I mean.) Your current room sounds very pretty, and I'll bet you can take it in a more glamorous direction somehow. What drew me to the furniture that we are planning to purchase (pictured above) is the traditional styling combined with a rather rustic finish. Sort of marries two looks that I really like. Like you, I don't want over-the-top glittery glamour (well, I do love mirrored nightstands, but I won't be using anything like that in THIS room) -- more of an understated but sophisticated loveliness is what I'm after.

I believe some of us who aren't good household managers (guilty) or don't have time, money or inclination to put household in order can be bugged on a daily basis by our houses. That can be kind of a bummer and can get in the way of seeing your home as a nice, stress-free place to be, including your bedroom. I think that perhaps women, in particular, might be more prone to having that perpetual to-do list ticking over in our heads, perhaps distracting us from not only romantic but other family relationships, maybe because of societal pressures on women to be good holly homemakers despite competing demands of childcare, work, etc. Stress can be, for some people, murder on the old libido.

I started getting household cleaning help because, TBH, I hate cleaning and hey, why am I working fulltime if not to afford the luxury of avoiding things I hate. Anyway, it changed my life and my relationship with both my partner and my home.

It's also a skill to be able to live clutter-free in limited space, especially as I understand it with kids (although I don't have any). My room now is almost never cluttered because I have so much space to put stuff, compared to when I lived in apartments with, like, one 3' closet. The clothing-free, pile-free, ironing-board free bedroom is in a way a luxury that happens when you're either disciplined enough to really limit your stuff or when you have enough space for the stuff. I was never the poster girl for discipline!

I like the bedroom to be serene as well. For me, that means muted colors, minimal furnishings and artwork, and no clutter. The best way to make a bedroom feel luxurious and cozy and romantic is with the BEST mattress, linens and pillows you can afford. Your bed should be a haven and the room around it the neutral setting.

I'm in the process of "cozying up" our master bedroom. We replaced our queen mattress with a king, nice TV with surround sound, white cotton linens, nice faux fur throw. We are putting the finishing touches on this gas fireplace which really adds a cozy feel to the room (pardon the missing trim on the front). I can't wait for winter now!

Nice, Mary! Looks like you are creating a very chic space. LOVE the fireplace mantle - it's perfect.

Thanks Aunt Jen. We went with live edge walnut for the mantel to juxtapose the rustic wood with the sleek fireplace.

Now to find something I like for on the mantel. It's a work in progress for sure!

But Pal, you're a guy! *Some* men don't think or care about the 'environment' of a bedroom, and could care less about the mattress, clutter OR dirt. Women tend to envision a bedroom as a 'romantic hideway' where they 'go' to be alone with the one they love, like a deserted island.

I live alone(my adult DD is with me for a time)and still like the 'feel' of romantic as well as cozy. My MB is serene, with very little color, mainly a pale gold and ivory. The four poster rice bed with crochet canopy is my little slice of heaven, and offers me romance, cozy, and feminity, even thought it's mine alone.

I also think that in a bedroom you can go with a look that creates a feel that defines ones own sense of romance or calm or serene. It doesn't have to flow with anything else in the house, it doesn't have to be trendy (if that matters), it doesn't have to pass muster with friends or family (if that matters), it doesn't have to pass any decorating rules (if that matters), it can just be.

How much awake time do we actually spend in our bedrooms? A whole lot less than the rest of the house. For my hour to hour living in the main part of the house I have to have clean, simple lines with little clutter. You won't find a lot of accessories in my house, but my bedroom is more. There's almost a ying and yang thing going on between it and the house and that's ok because we all do have different sides to ourselves.

Not sure where that came from but it was in part a response to Pal's comments.

So I did a quick skim of the posts and got that I can't have green and cream in my room even if my mattress wasn't gross because I would get motion sickness while I was doing it. Guess I'm not the right person to write Cliffs Notes, huh?

Our room is small and, if you recall my recent post, our bed is big. Old house = compromises. Out big bed is a wing style with a headboard and footboard so it closes us in without being too too dominant in the room.

I've always liked my bedroom to be a little different from the rest of the house. When I was younger, it was Ralph Lauren Roses paired with leopard spotted sheets and towels.

Now, we're using cream (gasp) and tan which are in the rest of the house with blue and white, which is not. Our dressers are black because they are IKEA, cheap and work perfectly fine. But they also serve to ground the room with our iron curtain rods. We have small neutral art from family and travel, but no photographs of people we know. Oh, and a random dining room chair for DH to put on his shoes. Yikes, the chair is green!

And there is a tv cuz it's how I fall asleep. I do wish one day to remove it. Oh, and an ugly ceiling fan for function over form. I may replace it won a vintage light fixture if I come across something interesting.

I really think it's more about creating a space that appeals to both partners. Hence my roses and spots had to go. If you have a big space, add seating for two. Otherwise, remove anything that is related to projects and keep the colors calm enough so they promote sleep.....after....no, forget that....

I think my master has a lot of the right elements for me: neutral, soothing wall color (Revere Pewter); a fantastic mattress with an upholstered headboard (cozy and warm); nightstands with lamps on 3-way switches, so light can be bright or dim; nonfussy but nice window treatments ( simple silk ivory drapes); bookcases full of books and photos but they are tucked away in a sitting area not visible from the bed; and a nice plush area rug that runs under the bed and is a soft "landing" for our feet.

What I also have: laundry baskets, a box of stuff waiting to be returned to Zappos, a teetering stack of books on DH's nightstand, and a dog toy on the floor on my side of the bed. No matter what I do, our room is a clutter collector. Always has been. It is also RIGHT at the top of the stairs, so we hear all the comings and goings of the house, including when our 20 and 23 year olds come home late at night, even though they try to be quiet.

At our beach house. we have many similar elements but little or no clutter, and it's at the end of a long-ish hallway, set apart from the other bedrooms. Oh, it also has an ocean view. THAT room is far more restful and "romantic" but it is impossible to recreate it at home unless I'm going to rebuild our house. And put it near the ocean.

I am with Pal.. when it comes to hanky panky, it is either there or not. That said, I do think having a comfortable retreat is important for relaxation, stress reduction and sleep. Things we both always need!

I also have a small room so the whole "retreat" thing is pretty much out the window. I prefer a pretty but unfussy style in the bedroom, nice bedding.. and perhaps most important of all, freshly washed bedding!I

I am absolutely 100% against a tv in the bedroom. The bedroom is for two things-- sleeping is one and the other is not tv watching! The bf says the same as Jen- "oh wouldn't it be nice to cuddle and watch a movie". Sure it would.. but since we both battle with insomnia, the cuddling movie nights will be on the sofa! I have compromised on other electronics-- but only because I like reading on the ipad in bed.

Now I should add that we've only been together for 5 years- and right now he's only here a few months of the year. Perhaps in another 20 yr I'll feel the need to sex it up a bit-- but by then we'll need need trusses and protective gear!

I am in trouble. My paint will be a gray shade of green that looks good with the deeper green bedspread and my green plaid chair... But with the lights off i can pretend it is all purple right?

I am not going to get it on with my mattress and my mattress isn't going to compel me to get it on with somebody that I wouldn't on a different mattress.

Pal, I guess you never read the book, "Hole in the Mattress" by Mr. Completely! :)

Some of the stuff mentioned like uncluttered and clean are essential for the MBR retreat. I like a monochromatic room for the feeling of ease and restfulness. I also think lighting is critical...no way does a harsh overhead light feel romantic. Instead think accent, think indirect, think dimmable.

Beyond that think about stimulating the 5 senses: touch with luxurious linens, maybe even a faux fur throw or a lamb skin rug; sight with the lighting and soothing colors but also a room that is pleasing in balance and scale; smell with perhaps some scented candles (only light if they are enclosed on all sides in glass and at no risk of over melting) or lavender sachets or pot pourri with essential oils like ylang ylang which is thought to be an aphrodisiac; hearing a good sound system with access to some smooth jazz, including sax which is supposed to be the sexiest instrument or with the TV, if you have cable, check out the cable channels which are very specific and no ads; and taste, so bring your own chocolate covered strawberries with whipped cream and a glass of champagne...and make sure you have space on the end tables to put them down once you want your hands free for other things.

Annie! "Hole in the Mattress" -- hahahahaha!

Aside from that little pun, I like your suggestions for creating a romantic atmosphere. Yes, lighting is very important! Something that minimizes cellulite and wrinkles, please.

Good thought about having a decent sound system, too - although I am probably one of the few people who finds the saxophone to be an annoyance. And oh, gosh, remember Kenny G? I'd sooner impale my eardrums with a fork.

Our bedroom is BM Hawthorne yellow, very cheery, with white and scrubbed pine furniture, light hardwood floors and yellow and white plaid rugs. We have a nice seating area with a sofa and chair and cocktail table, and that is where DH and I start each day going over coffee and the day's schedule---or out on the bedroom porch. We have photos of our family everywhere in that room in silver frames, French doors, lots of light, plantation shutters, and sonos speakers for music. It is very feminine and DH doesn't mind a bit. Thirty-four years good years through all our bedrooms over the years.... if the bedroom is clean and tidy and the sheets are ironed, that does it for me!

Hotel bedrooms are impersonal, so the current desire for "hotel bedroom" decor may indicate that people have too much clutter and junk in their bedrooms. Pare it down if necessary, make it comfortable and use colors pleasing to you, and at that point you've set the stage as much as it probably can be set by surroundings alone.

No clutter, no desk, nice sheets, some texture, e.g. a faux fur throw or lamb skin; soft lighting; personally, I love canopy beds with curtains. Kind of like these, whether they are real or just create the look:

Love the third photo, nosoccermom! It's very close to my "perfect" look for a bedroom-- I especially like the mix of wood and iron-- but I am not sure I'd find it any more conducive to a night (or day) of crazy love making :) The second and fourth border on too fussy for my tastes. I'd like to say that "too fussy" is a turn off.. but we've stayed in some pretty fussy B&Bs and it wasn't any more of a deterrent than laundry on the dresser or dirty socks on the floor.

One thing I became aware of as I have been attempting to upgrade my bedroom is that I need visual space in order to relax. My room -- I can't even call it a master without laughing-- is very small. 9 x 12. I love the pencil poster beds or an iron canopy but in a room so small, it would feel like a cage (maybe sexy to some-- but not me!). I also don't want anything heavy or looming over or near the headboard. It's not a fear of it falling-- it's claustrophobia thing.

Last night the bf suggested I get a mechanical arm to hold my ipad while in bed-- he uses one that suspends his tablet (literally) over his face. NO. First, I think it's hideous looking-- and lazy-- but I'd be fearful that it would let loose.

Honestly, the least sexy thing in our room is his cpac machine.. and that's not going anywhere. I'll be thrilled when I find the right nighstand that fits the space and conceals the cpac.

Just saw this:

http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/ten-tips-for-the-sexiest-bedroom-like-ever-165953

I was never, and still would not consider myself a prude at my age, but a *large* mirror, not on you life!

I couldn't agree more re:the cleanliness/clutter factor~if there's one turnoff, that would be it! Romance/intimacy and messy do NOT mesh, and IMO, he/she can be as sexy as hell, but if the room is a 'hovel', it's an instant turnoff~maybe its an age thing.lol

I am getting the biggest kick out of this thread! Great opinions and hysterically funny suggestions of what not to do. I put a lot of thought into designing our MBR, as I wanted not so much a sexy bedroom, but a romantically serene one that would inspire romance. I absolutely put my foot down when DH asked for a desk in there. As we were having this place built, he got his own study instead. Thank goodness, because this guy of mine may have many positives, but keeping his desk and paperwork neat is not one of them! Yes, we do have a smallish tv in there, but inside a lovely armoire that I can -and do- close up. And, since I adore the colors white and cream, I designed our room around them, with occasional soft accents in pale moss green and rose.

My main criteria for any romantic bedroom is: no desk, no clutter, serene colors, good art, privacy, and soft lighting everywhere. Rheostats and 3-way light bulbs are my friends. I even had our small chandy that hangs over the reading corner put on a rheostat.

And, by good art, I do not mean romantic nudes! The last thing I personally want to do is lie in bed and end up comparing myself to some gorgeous naked woman staring back at me . . . or having my sweet husband comparing us (LOL)! And, absolutely no frou-frou, overly feminine bedding. I actually saw a "romantic bedroom" posted once (not here) that was dripping with pink lace and had a teddy bear (of all things) propped up on the pillows. It made me shudder!

But, to each his own, as long as it works for you and yours. Soft colors or bold. TV or not. My idea of the perfect romantic bedroom is not everyone else's ideal . . . but it's definitely working for us.

Studies supposedly show that (a) clutter causes stress and triggers the release of diurnal cortisol (stress hormone) and (b) that men have a higher tolerance for clutter than women and are therefore not as easily stressed as women by a messy room/house. http://magazine.ucla.edu/features/the-clutter-culture/index1.html

Moreover, studies have shown that high levels of cortisol reduce both female and male libido, not to mention cause all kinds of other horrible things (weight gain, fatigue, acne, heart disease, depression.)

I don't get the whole thing and think the notion of a "romantic" hotel/vacation/dinner/bedroom is a giant marketing ploy--because romance is an internal thing to me not an external one--so I shouldn't really continue to contribute. But all the things that people are saying make a room not romantic so should be avoided: distractions, dirt, clutter, clothing, an uncomfortable mattress, a dirty mattress....well, all these things would bug the hell out of me anyway on an everyday basis.

I am with Pal on this. I want all my rooms to be uncluttered (note I said want...not always the case since I live with a hoarder), clean, simple, pretty, comfortable, and reflective of 'us' as in our taste, likes, etc.

The rooms pictured above just look too "designed" for me. Since you are starting fresh and completely redoing, Jen, I would say do as you please and everything will fall into place.

Well, Patty, large mirrors are not so bad if one is not wearing their glasses, then you can "see" what you want. Of course, the right lighting helps, candles or dimmed overheads, yes. Fluorescents, no.

I think that there are other elements that work into the atmosphere as well. Appropriate lighting for one thing as mentioned above, and a dimmer switch for any overhead lighting. Eventually in my master bedroom, I hope to get top-down/bottom-up shades. There are times I would like to look at the stars but not have the curtains flung open, or during the time, it would be nice to let the sunlight in and still maintain privacy. This discussion also reminded me that I had been meaning to get a bedside carafe (for water, of course). I like to keep a jug of drinking water in the closet. It kind of reminds me of stocking a guest room. There are a bunch of little things one can do to create a sanctuary that we might have overlooked with time. Nothing by itself is going to guarantee a sure thing (whether it be shedding all stress at the door or getting it on) but they certainly make the day worth it.

On another note, to take it from just "temptation island," one housekeeping book I have read refers to the bedroom as the cave of nakedness. It is one of those places in the house where you go to shed everything.

I would make everything in the room a sensory element with varying textures, lighting, sound, and soft colors that look good in candlelight. Get some battery operated ones on remotes and add some soft rugs- not sisal here- and serene art. No distractions.

You are all just wonderful! And I think we need to do a DAT with a theme of The Sexy Boudoir, going as highbrow or lowbrow as desired. I can only imagine ... ;-)

AuntJen This thread is a hoot. I am seriously trying for a bit more grown up MBR this time around and wanted to share with you my ceiling fan. Being a lady of a ceratin age I cannot sleep without wind and to my delight this thing just might blow us out of the bed. Seriously. It is very blingy and not your average fan.

From Savoy House

Levantera

Sorry Cant get the pic to post

Missymoo, is this it? If so - WOW! I've never seen a ceiling fan like this, but it's wonderful!

Yes! Thank you. It really is pretty in real life and the BEST ceiling fan. It was spendy but hey it's function first I cant sleep without it. They make several of these chandy type fans. This one is big though.

I will post a pic of it in my BR when we get the carpet in. It's on backorder. That pic doesnt show how sparkly it is. That is a crystal center piece.

It's really unique and quite lovely!

Stop making me want one.

;-D

I also love the 3rd photo posted by nosoccermom. Serene and inviting. Any guesses as to what the wall color is? I'm looking for such a warm neutral.

What fun reading this thread, lots of giggles. So far, I like what
you've chosen the best. I would also suggest a throw for an arm chair
to keep handy for a quick lie down without messing the bed. A fake fur
would add texture which you need for that sensual feeling. Here's an
example of one on Overstock below It even comes in a purple tone. For
good quality and low prices, go to 55 Downing Street. My niece just
did her whole condo with items from that site and it came out gorgeous.
I have a similar decor as what you're choosing and I put in white
carpeting as the room is huge and I wanted a warm feeling. If you're
going for an area rug under the bed then you can put down a random
shaped fake fur rug in white to add more texture plus they feel so good
to step on with bare feet, lol

Here's the link, just an idea and you can find them elsewhere in a higher qualityplush throw

Here you go, just what you ordered and directions too. lolromantic room

Re. third pic. Just figured out that it's from Pottery Barn with the Siena table lamp and the Antonia Canopy Bed, from 2012 or earlier.

I couldn't find a full list of PB Benjamin Moore paint colors for 2012

Hm, that "romantic room" linked above looks like romantic in Buckingham Palace.

I agree with Pal. If I am in the "mood" that means anywhere goes. A car, a table whatever… haha. I am partly kidding. Nope. Not kidding. I should add that now that I am older I probably do need a simple bed. lol.

Love your space Mary!!