Getting her living area cleared out is a good start ... try for the bedroom, bathroom and kitchen.

Forget the SUV trips! Talk to local charities about sending their truck around. I know many of them will make special trips for LARGE pickups. Also there are companies that will make a dump run for you, or even her city trash department ... it's well worth the money.

It's often easier to make a "binary" (2-choice) sort than try to decide if something is trash, should be kept, or which charity it should go to.

STEP one ... got through as much of the house as you can QUICKLY getting all the obvious trash, put it into big trash bags and get it out of there for trash pickup. That clears room quickly and it's easier. Later, keep a large trash can with trash bag ready and toss it as you find it while sorting the rest.

The next pass would to decide "keep or donate" ... it might be easiest to pull only the things she really needs and donate without too much deciding on her part. Yes, the perfect backpack might go out the door, but she'll never know.

Unless you have something ultra special, pick no more than three charities that are nearby and/or that will do pickups when you have a large collection. When we moved, I sent all the high-class stuff to one and all the usable but average stuff to another and the books to a third ... matching their needs to what I had.

One candidate for her husbands clothing would be the charities that provide job training and office level clothing ... they can always use good menswear.

Stop in, ask for the charity's manager and explain the situation - if they know they have a houseful of stuff coming at them they can be really reasonable. Or check out their websites - some will say you can call for pickup.

Sort out anything that looks like a bill or a check or whatever ... she'll have to go through them. But the old ads ans stuff can be tossed.

Can you gently suggest that she see a doctor about her depression? There is help out there, and treating the depression might stop the in-flow of more clutter into the house. And it might help her make decisions more easily.

@xarcady:She seems to suffer from a thyroid condition which also causes depression when untreated. She is currently under treatment and is doing better. The clutter and spending practices were from the time she had just lost her husband. She has since then stopped the spending and cluttering practices. I also made sure she got into therapy which she does only once a month but it's a start. Thank you for pointing that out.

@jn3344:Thanks for your advice. I thank you for your time.

@lazy_gardens:

Kitchen and guest bathroom are done completely. Living room is 1/2 emptied. My gut feeling was to take all big items to storage (there is hardly any space in the bedrooms to move around at all) so we could work on the rest of the clutter then we would bring back the big items and set them up in their respective places. (Big items are mattresses tables lamps fireplace bed -- all things that must be built pretty much--really high quality--which is why she will be keeping them) But she does not want anyone else to come into the home...she is adamant about that. So, thats out of the question as we would need movers to help do that. Which is also the reason why we HAVE to fill her SUV and hand deliver trash as well as items for charity.

I truly wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to detail how to do everything. I came back with a picture of what is left to be done in the home and was starting to feel completely overwhelmed. Just not knowing where to go next. I printed out your advice and stuck it in my purse so when I go I can refer back to it. I had no idea this was going to overwhelm me so. (I am so glad she can go back to cooking in her home and can use her bathroom comfortably).

Anyway thanks to you and everyone for being so supportive and helping me help her...I don't feel alone in this project anymore...thank you so much!

she does not want anyone else to come into the home...she is adamant
about that. So, that's out of the question as we would need movers to
help do that.

You could arrange to have the pickup for charity take place on the driveway. Most charities insist on not having their staff come into the house. You place the stuff in a designated location and they load from there.

And buy a moving dolly if you don't already have one. It makes moving boxes much easier.

L Bay, your friend is very lucky to have someone like you! We should all be so lucky!

My experience with charity pick ups is that you usually have to put the items outside, but it is a great way to get rid of things- not too many worries about the quantity you are donating and you don't have to go any further than the front of the house. If the goal is to get rid of items, don't spend too much time trying to match up the right charity with the donations (maybe for special items or items of value). I usually donate through VVA because they are not very picky in what they will haul away, though I try to be quite discerning between what is good and what is trash (they won't take large items though). Some of the charities will come to your home and pick through the donations, taking only what they want and sometimes leaving a mess. Some will only come if you have a very large pick up, or items too big to fit in a car. It's usually easy to check on that sort of thing though. When we've had larger items like furniture, Salvation Army has been the only charity in our area willing to come get it- so they get it!

The term that comes to mind in dealing with that much quantity is "low hanging fruit." It's already been said on this thread, but pick something that is a no-brainer-- junk mail, packaging, worn clothing or linens, a hobby she is no longer interested in, etc. And clear those items out first. It sounds like you and she are making progress and in time, so many items will be cleared out and she can get back to her life as it should be. It sounds like this lady has had a rough few years and is ready to move forward. Bless you for being such a great friend!

I think it's really terrific that you've gotten her kitchen and a bathroom working. If nothing else, you can shut the door on a bedroom and just let it be there until you're ready to get to it.

I'd focus next on the living room and her bedroom--get them livable and welcoming.

Then, it's really just a matter of picking some method that makes the both of you feel in charge. And that's when I like the "low-hanging fruit" that quasifish mentions.

I used to work at Weight Watchers Magazine once when they changed their diet (which they do every now and then, to the fury of their members). They had a plan that was designed to be very low sodium for the first two weeks, to create water/fluid loss, thereby affecting the scale (but not necessarily fat). The idea was to give people motivation to stick with it by showing them immediate improvement (even if it wasn't lasting). The idea was that by the time the fluids normalized, they'd have been motivated to keep with it, and true weigh t loss would begin to show up.

So aim at that--go for the cheapest/most visible progress.

Trash first.

Papers might be another really easy thing. So many of the papers you get in the mail aren't necessary; you don't even need to open them. The longer they've been sitting around, the less important they are.
-you only need one piece of paperwork--usu. the most current--for any of these: retirement savings plans; bills of any type; bank statements.

All the rest can just go away.

Then, look for something that will have the biggest impact for the least amount of mental angst and physical work.

Something that's easy for her to get rid of, emotionally. (Is she ready to get rid of his clothes? That'd free up closet space quickly.)

Or maybe you focus on something that will make the biggest physical/visual impact (I always tell my kids that one blanket on the floor trashes the entire room; you can't move around. And it's only 1 thing.)
Those shopping bags of items still with tags on take up a lot of physical and visual room, and if she can say goodbye to the financial value, that would be great. (You might also look into whether there's a consignment shop or eBay reseller in her area who would take those things, sell them, and give her some of the proceeds; that might make it easier for her to let them leave the house. And it's some progress that you can make from here, in the middle of the week; you can find charities for pickup, consignment shops, places to donate men's clothing, etc.)

Then, you just pick a method. Maybe one room, all the way.

Maybe one type of thing (i.e., all the books, all at once).

Maybe you do a room one visit, and "all the clothing" another visit, to shake it up and make it feel fresh.

You can call around to charities and find one that will do porch pickup; or maybe see if there's a youth group at her church (if she's got one) or somewhere else that will do the work of carting stuff to the donation places. Anything you can offload or delegate like that will be a big help in terms of not diverting your time and energy.

Also: play bright, happy and peppy music. Me, I love Willie Nile. And when I'm cleaning, I love country music. Open windows, crank up the stereo, show up with chips and cold soda, make it a party!!

Great post Talley-Sue!

Oh, are you right about paperwork! Especially if someone has not been fully involved in life for a time, all sorts of paperwork can build up. Much paperwork is relevant at one point, and then becomes irrelevant in time. Warranty paperwork, manuals for items (that have maybe broken, maybe already gotten rid of?), old information from taxes or cars or banks or insurance companies... well you already know! The list goes on and on.

A few years ago my mother helped a woman in a similar situation, as well as her parents. Both had tremendous amounts of paperwork that no longer served any purpose. Both had accumulated many boxes over the years and just never purged the older stuff. Even at my own house, trying to stay on top of it on a regular basis, it isn't unusual for us to be able to compile several garbage bags of old paperwork and shredded documents in very short order- it just accumulates and eventually must be gone through.

The one worry w/ tossing paperwork wholesale is if there's any possibility that any of it has monetary value (checks, bonds, stock certificates).

I almost never get any paper like that, though now and then I get stuff like refund checks. But I think those are found relatively easily.

One other thing L Bay could do that might be helpful, and might move some of the work out of that "my weekend there helping her hands-on" and into some other timeframe would be for L Bay to throw all the papers into a box (quick work) and stick it in her car. And then she can sort it at home.
It really should be Decluttering Friend who sorts, but if she's sort of overwhelmed, it might be something she'd allow someone else to do on her behalf. And an intelligent and trusted friend might actually be faster, so less time overall.

I agree, paperwork definitely needs to be gone through to make sure nothing important or of value is inadvertently tossed. My experience has been that paperwork is generally quite quick to go through, though a large volume might make it seem like a long time. I also get bogged down with shredding if a lot turns up that needs to be destroyed before tossing. That's another task a friend could easily do- shredding discarded papers during the week.

Or making phone calls to figure out where bulk-shredding options are available to Decluttering Friend. Sometimes a bank or credit union will shred documents for its depositors. And there are plenty of shredding services.

You can designate a box to hold them as you work, and then take them all at once. It's a better use of your time if you have a lot of them.

And home shredders can overheat, if fed too much. Commercial shredding companies often have a drop-off price for such customers, When we moved, I dropped off 3 half-full black plastic bags for $20. Like Talley Sue says, there are better uses of your time.

It's worth reminding your friend that everything she donates is a blessing to others, generosity has a ripple effect: "what comes around, goes around." Giving things away does good for so many, in ways that she might not imagine.

Oh my! I lost my husband nearly 11 years ago. Yes, I did spend some money after he died - I redecorated the LR, but no binges. I still miss him dreadfully - he was only 64 when he died of prostate cancer, and I was not yet 62. I still talk to him, but nothing like your friend. This kind of reaction is a mental health issue that was probably always there but husband covered up,. I assume there is no family. She's lucky to gave you. It's very sad...

L Bay, I've been thinking of your friend, and of you--hope things are continuing to move forward for her!

No practical advice to offer but I did want to say bless you for being such a good friend. I struggle with issues of clutter (no, not a hoarder, just a chronic pain sufferer and cleaning is very difficult - I do my best to keep up but it's a losing battle) and I understand how easy it is for things to take over.

I know this thread hasn't been updated in a bit, but I wanted to ask how this was going? I was curious to see how your friend was doing and if these tips had helped at all. I know this sort of thing is kind of a lengthy process at times.

Me too, so hows that working out for you?

Lucky she does not have me as the friend. Once I start on stuff, there is no mercy! You seem to be much more patient than I could ever be.

I have a friend who tried to help a friend much like that. After asking and agreeing to help, the hording friend backed off and nothing got done.

It sounds as if she has stuff that may actually be worth selling unless it has been buried under too much debris for too long.

Gertiedaub -- have you ever watched that show called "Hoarders -- Buried Alive"? This is a kind of illness/condition. I also have an acquaintance who is into destroying her third house and will end up homeless and maybe dead. At the last effort by her friends to help she was accommodating until it came time to do it. Now she is threatening to get an injunction against her friends -- her house is unhealthy and dangerous, really dangerous. Up until now she wasn't reported to any health authorities for fear of causing a real breakdown but now, her friends have decided that the probable outcome is her death and they are planning to go the reporting route.

So far my friend does not live like the Hoarders Butied Alive people as far as keeping containers of old food around or things like that. Its more things like of the late husband and tons of things from QVC - HSN. A lot that I wish to use to redo the place once it's in livable condition. Now that home is going to get even more cluttered because she will be moving her NY home contents into the other home we have been working on. :/

We are taking July and August off because the AC system is not working properly and we would probably both pass out if we were to work on it at this time.

No, it did not sound as if your friend was one of those who was threatened to be killed by her hoarding. Not all are like that.

I have seen people who just resort to shopping as a crutch when life happens.

As a person who is devoted to an uncluttered lifestyle, I struggle with my daughters house. I have to almost tie my hands when I go there. Her life is so full with commuting, career and family that I cannot help but see, that if her home was less cluttered it would be so much easier to manage. They are not really hoarders. They are clutterers.

Even just putting anything away is twice the chore it ought to be because so much has to be juggled. Most of that juggling is so totally unnecessary if they would only cull out the useless from the useful. Everything is a balancing and juggling act. Why? Meanwhile, it grieves me to see her so strung out and stressed so much of the time when I know how true it is that clearing the clutter and having a more organized environment makes the chores of life and family flow so much smoother. They really need some calm and order in their lives.