I've been told kids 'don't date' but 'hang out' as a group. Sounds crazy to me.

I don't have any kids but have observed pretty closely what's gone on with some good friends we spend a lot of time with. Their three kids (two boys, one girl) each seemed to date someone here and there during high school but nothing long term or very serious (like people were back in my day). They mostly seemed to do a lot of stuff in groups. Two nieces - older and out of college - neither of them "dated" anyone in high school. Everything was a group event. This is in the midwest - suburban area - maybe it's different in other parts of the country.

Very, very little dating amongst my kids and their friends. Although there ARE a few 'couples' who have relationships that last many months to many years, there is no real dating that I can see. Lots of mixed gender group hanging out...

Very, very little dating amongst my kids and their friends. Although there ARE a few 'couples' who have relationships that last many months to many years, there is no real dating that I can see. Lots of mixed gender group hanging out...

I have two sons and there was no dating. They socialized in mixed groups with no couples. They would go to movies as a mixed group, out for coffee, over to our place to watch a hockey game, whatever. I happen to think that this is really healthy for high school kids. They learn how to interact with one another, how to treat each other and to get comfortable with the opposite sex without being defined as being in a couple. Occasionally there would be a couple but they were also part of the group.

Although I agree with blfenton in theory, I think that more goes on than you think. It appears that the kids are not dating and not serious so to speak, but that does not mean that all is platonic.
Both my daughters had dates for speical dances and proms, but in HS a boy never formally came to the door to pick them up for a date.

Exactly what is your daughter "beating herself up" over?

Both of my kids dated in high school.But my DD graduated in 06.

Both of my sons did not have a steady girlfriend in HS. They would go and hang out a girl's house with several friends - she would have several friends there too.

I never really wanted my kids to have a serious girlfriend in HS, but if they had met someone they felt was special enough to update their Facebook status, I would have been ok with it. I think my boys found teen girls to be very clingy and the drama quotient was not worth it.

On the flip side, I think that if you do not have a girlfriend and go through the stages of a relationship/fighting/breakups etc. you're not as equipped to handle relationships when you're older. I find my son's are still hesitant to "date" - it's almost like they feel if they admit they're dating a girl exclusively, they feel it's like saying I could marry this person. It's hard to describe, but to them casual group dating is acceptable, one on one dating has become so obscure that it implies to others a seriousness to the relationship that may or may not exist.

I have also found this group dating thing to be very bizarre because in many cases, these kids are hooking up just for the sake of having sex, with no commitment beyond both agreeing to have sex.

I worry that we think there are family value issues today - what does the future hold??

But back to your question, I would not put pressure on her to have a boyfriend. Teen boys are nothing but trouble. Oops, didn't I just say that about teen girls?? :-)

My kids are 6-10 years out of HS, but at the time it was mainly group stuff. All the kids had one steady at one point, but mostly group hang out stuff.

I have a niece and a nephew that are both sophomores in HS in different states-but they also do the group hang out thing. Dates for formals (prom, homecomming) but they're not BF/GF dates. They each have 'likes' for another person, but it's not like when my kids were in school and had their steadys.

When I happen to see young couples out, they're both so into their phones that they aren't talking to one another.

Our youngest is a junior in college. His social life before college was mostly group hanging out--- but that was the norm for his boarding school. They went with dates for formal dances but even they went with a group. They seemed to have a normal frequency of relationships, but those were conducted in more of a group context, without couples spending a lot of time by themselves.

Thanks, all. Very helpful to hear these replies.

Ellendi, DD2 has had dates for prom, and several other "boy comes to meet us and take her to the movies" kinds of dates this school year, but none of those have developed into a steady relationship. She says feels rejected, and in her mind "everyone" has dates every weekend and/or a steady boyfriend.

She is painfully shy and doesn't have the kind of relationships that result in casual hanging out in groups, unfortunately. She is very pretty, so she does get asked out. But I think even high school boys are put off by the fact that she doesn't talk much or answers in monosyllables because she can't think of what to say.

Like many shy people, she is much more chatty and relaxed when she knows you--but getting to that point takes a long time, not just 3 or 4 dates.

Her very-extroverted older sister did have dates and or steady boyfriends continuously during high school, so younger sister is comparing herself to that, too. It's hard to be the introverted younger sister of an extrovert.

leafy -have you heard of this new book? Might be good, powerful reading for you and your daughter. I am the extroverted, social sister to a quiet, more subdued OLDER sister. I was a year younger, but 6 inches taller too. I remember her constant comparison to me, and tried to be sensitive to it, but I was a teen too, so.... As we grow older, we all learn to recognize our individual traits I think, and quickly come to realize how fleeting (and rather stupid) high school is. I was only friendless once in my life, and that was after I had moved from SF to Texas. I had lots of 'moths' around me, but no true connection to anyone. Then I finally met a woman I connected with, and everything changed. That was the first time I realized that everyone needs at least ONE person they really connect with, and how much more important that one person is than hordes of bodies with pulses. Hope your daughter has that....

Here is a link that might be useful: New Book About the Power of Introverts

All of my 6 DD's are out of high school, (thank g-d) in college, in a exclusive relationship or married. The younger ones never called it dating, but did have serious (at the time)exclusive relationships during high school. They still hung out in groups most of the time. Ever since Social Media took over, their relationship status is on the internet for all to see. During their years in school I felt I had a pretty good sense of what was going on. Now that they're grown starting families of their own, they tell me all of the things that went on, and I didn't have a clue. Hint: No matter how much trust you have in your teens, they do lie. When they tell you "Mom the parents are going to be home" don't always believe it, check it out.

best, I'm getting that book for my son! I just had all my conferences with his teachers (he is a Jr in HS) and every single one of them commented on how quiet he is, including one teacher who actually called him "aloof." They all acted as though he's the first quiet kid who has made his way through that school.

My older DS never really dated in HS. He fell head over heels in love right after graduation, though, and had a messy and emotional breakup about 6 months later. Hasn't dated anyone since then (almost two years ago).

Younger DS (the quiet one) now has his first GF, as of about two months. They have been friends for two years and they are part of the same group of friends so it's hard to determine what counts as a date and what is just hanging out with friends, because there's a lot of overlap there. Sometimes they go out with the group and then the group will disperse and the two of them will go elsewhere. Sometimes they're in the group and they all stay together for the evening. And probably least frequently, they will go out on a real date. Problem with this whole scenario is that it feels (to me) that he is spending too much time with the GF, but since part of that time they are also with the guy friends who I want him to also spend time with... it's not like I can say, okay, hang out with your friends but don't invite her this time! Anyway, it does seem like a nice relationship so far. Hard to say if it will get serious but I do wonder how the breakup will be if/when it happens, because if it's not cordial, it's going to be awkward for their group of friends.