Hi Polly, I came across this post, as you made it to the first google search of "will my husband ever finish our house", which I have just done out of desperation to find kindred spirits. I really feel your pain.

Like you, I have been in my fixer-upper now for nearly three years. While the hubby has pulled off some wonderful work so far, he has never managed to finish a room before he moves on to the next. I was banned from extending the kitchen floor tiles into the utility room and downstairs toilet because he had unrealistic expectations about a back extension so instead I have had a bare concrete floor for three years. The kitchen has plaster unfinished on the ceiling, no door frame. My living room has been full of his hoard of WW2 plane propellers, bullets, airplane gunsights, all the art he will never hang, giant six foot rocket shells...it goes on. I sit in a baking hot conservatory every day because he can't find the time, or the inclination to get the living room sorted.

He threw a tin of paint accidentally on the hallway floor. It was floor we are going to replace so no biggy, but I have now had two John Lewis boxes as my hallway floor for over a year. I had no doors on the master bedroom, nursery or spare room and gave him month's notice to get the doors on before we had friends to stay. On the day they were due to come he put one door on. I had to ask him to put a handle on so I didn't get trapped on the inside. He never drilled the handle or attached the catch, so it's more like a swing door. The list is almost endless.

He gets so stressed out when I ask him what is happening with the house, it literally shows on his skin but he won't let me help, he won't have me pay anyone else to do it so I just end up waiting...and waiting...and waiting. Having a baby 7 months ago ate what time I could really give to the house (which isn't much because "I wouldn't do it right"). Our baby is due to start crawling soon, all over the concrete floor, the John Lewis flooring and will probably bake to death being stuck in a conservatory all day.

I am at my wits end too. I want to empathise with his lack of time but he puts everything off to the point I want to throttle him. I didn't want to buy such a project but he really saw the potential and promised it would be done quickly. I believed him, I wanted to believe him and now it is really eating away at how positive I feel about our relationship which is really unhealthy. I try to relax and go for ages just saying nothing, or only try really positive support stuff but whether I am nice, or the total opposite, or just leave him to his own devices, the 'progress' only happens when there is a deadline or I totally lose it. I hope you find a good solution to your house issues.

Oh, I hope you do, too....:-( That's gotta be hard with a new baby and feeling like you have no control over your environment. It seems to me, you two would be good candidates for some couple's counseling. You can get some help and validation for your feelings about this and maybe some insight into what is behind his lack of motivation. And why he doesn't see having you happy as a priority. If he won't go, I'd go on my own and figure out what I could do, how much I would tolerate before he becomes a single man, and whether this is how you want to live the rest of your life. Best of luck to you!

Hi all! I'm here to check in and say thankfully our marriage did indeed survive this house restoration! And, yes it is 10 years since we bought this home, but no it's not quite finished, and I'm certain it probably never will be. But 7 years later, I've come to accept that it's ok. It does not need to be perfect. I'm not perfect and neither is he, but somehow we are truly perfect for each other.

In a nutshell, he pretty much finished the kitchen last year (yes, 9 years later a backsplash lol). We have finished the basement, finished the floors, renovated the patio, redid the 2nd floor bathroom, added an office and a sitting room from a wasted front hallway and added a mudroom in the 7 years this thread was started. But sadly after this thread started I lost my Dad very unexpectedly and in my grief I learned that life is just too precious to sweat the small stuff.

My toddler in my original thread is now in second grade, my preschooler in 5th grade and my oldest is in 7th. Reading through my thread reminded me of just how hard and demanding having 3 little ones are, and I'm happy to say life has gotten easier. But it was not without its bumps in the road and a good marriage counselor! Rabbitlady, I'm here to tell you, I've been there, I know it's hard. My toddler crawled on construction dust and had black knees all the time, but he's now a thriving 7 year old and survived as well. Just try your best to make the best of it. Life is indeed precious and it passes by all too quickly, you may look back on it in 7 years and laugh just like I am now! I wish you the best! :)

polly, it's wonderful to hear. and so true. I never saw your thread until now ( I'm relatively new here) but I'm going to stay glued to it until i read it all..saw a word "engineer" repeated several times..))))

No one knows you're personal situation in full, so I agree with Oly in that you might benefit from some outside help. But I also kind of see something in your post that hints towards what the issue may really be about and that's that even though your husband is extremely stressed or overwhelmed by the number of projects he might feel like hiring out means he's not capable or that he's failed you somehow. It's all about the ego if you know what I mean.

We also bought a house in need of a lot of work and over the course of several years did much of it DIY. There are always projects to do, but to say my DH is burnt out is an understatement; now it was like pulling teeth to get anything done. Well, last year, I finally told him that I had a list of things to do and if he wants to do them great, but if not, I'd hire a handyman to do them. If he got mad, so be it but one way or another, they were going to get done. The first time I ended up hiring out, he wasn't happy, but I really tried to reassure him that hiring someone was in no way a bad reflection on him or his own abilities; it was just easier and less stress for him to have to deal with. Once he saw that he seemed to feel much better about it. Now when I say I have a project if he's not up to the task, he'll just say, I don't want to deal with it, call the handyman.

ETA: So good to see you post Polly!!!

Thanks lukkiirish! It's nice to see some familiar names. I miss my "imaginary" friends from GW. I just don't seem to have the time to check in regularly like I used to. I'm always running with my kids, working or doing home projects! Lol.

It’s insane how much I relate to this. I notice other people saying ‘Do it yourself, get him to look after the kids!’ But when it comes to welding, making locks and underfloor electrics... I’m at a loss and quite frankly, with working 3 days a week as a high school teacher, raising a 14 month old and doing an MA there’s just no time to even begin to learn. My husband said, when I was 3 weeks off giving birth with DS, ‘I’m going to use my two weeks paternity and some other time off to build a shed in the garden. For my tools but mostly for the buggy.’ As I said, I now have a 14 month old and the shed is miles off being finished. Now being as we live in an upstairs flat, kiiiiiiiinda needed it done. Let me tell you it was no fun trying to drag a massive pram up a narrow staircase whilst recovering from and emergency c-section! He’s a perfectionist which basically means he takes friggin ages. Ive tried everything, even did a lot of the painting and varnishing etc myself (at triple his speed, and to the exact same standard!) And even got my dad and brother down here and they got more done on it in a day than he had done in 3 months. I thought that would hurt his pride a bit and he would speed up but no! He even complained that they hadn’t done a very good job! Currently he’s not speaking to me because I suggested, heaven forbid, that the tools (which should be in the shed but instead are cluttering up our small flat) should temporarily go in a wheely bin in the back garden. He accused me of creating an argument for no reason, even though I barely raised my voice. This bloody shed is the bane of my life. dH works full time as an IT manager but is home by 5:30; why can’t he just spend an hour a night on the damn thing! I wouldn’t mind only it was his idea to build one in the first place. I wanted a flat pack job from Argos!!! What’s to be done about these stubborn DIY(not) husbands?!?!

Oh and we can’t afford a handyman becuse I’m not working full time and if I did, childcare costs for DS would go up so much that basically I may as well not be doing any more days than I currently am.

My thing is.... why do men start a project then not finish it. Yea the wife can help but not all women know carpentry or elelectrical. My comment goes to the man that said why can't she do it. Well yea, she can but does she know how? Some men complain that women want equality then say crap like that. It's frustrating to have an unfinished job for months at at a time or weeks. Stop being a child and finish it. can only encourage and praise so much, I'm not your mother I'm your wife. I like the guy that made a comment about another man encouraging it and bringing it up. I like that idea.

Just an update to this thread, my last update I stated that after losing my dad I realized life is too short to sweat the small stuff. About 6 months after that update, I learned I had cancer, had radical surgery, chemo and radiation. How I wish my biggest problem were still unfinished DIY projects....

[Here's[(https://www.houzz.com/discussions/any-married-couples-sleeping-in-twin-beds-need-design-advice-dsvw-vd~5526231) what one woman did.

Thinking of you polly and wishing you well and a speedy recovery. Sounds like you have a couple of kids there ready to start home improvement apprenticeships under their dad.

polly929 - Everything takes a backseat to health and I hope you regain yours soon. As you say, the rest is small stuff. Condolences on the loss of your father as well.

Oh my Gosh I have to Vent!!! My Man and I moved out to the country a few months ago, and the house has been packed full of stuff. Its an unfinished house! it Needs New flooring, roof, paint, completely new kitchen and bathrooms, new windows, Doors, and lots of general construction! On top of that, all of our stuff from the move, is shoved into every room of the house! My 'husband' will work on a project and just leave it unfinished for months! Oh but he sure will work on new projects all the time, but then those become unfinished! He constantly looks and talks about getting parts for his old 60's Chevy truck and it drives me insane! I just want to punch him or make him leave lol. How dare he think about working on his Stupid truck, when the house needs sooo much done! and its Important stuff!! He also refuses to buy a stupid Shed so he can put all of his tools and machinery in yhe shed instead he has all of his Tools all over the floor and in every room! Its like he is a sick, lazy, hoarder.!! I Seriously May Leave Him..!!!!!!! Did I mention that Im pregnate?!!!!! Yes im 3 months pregnate and I am furious that I may have to raise our Baby in this dilapidated, dangerous house..!!!!! Im Crying...!!! It truley hurts... When I met him, he lived in a nice, big, clean house that He Fixed up!!! Why wont he move his ass now?? He also Refuses to have any Friends or Anyone to come help us! He is embarrassed to show anyone how dilapidated our house is, but we need the help! I cant have anyone come over because he will get mad I've showed people our house! But Im extrremely Lonely too.... I have pictures of everything that needs to be done.. I am at the end of my Rope.. If he wants to be in our Baby's Life and doesn't want me To Leave Him,,, then He Has To Get This House Done !!!!!! Help!! I also have no one to talk to.. My e-mail is janetteo2017@gmail ... If anyome has any advice, I need it Bad....!!

Everything stuffed in this room because he wont get a shed

Dangerous unfinished steps

just one bathroom that we can barely use!

he pulled out the fire place and never fixed it or put it back! Its winter and it brings in freezing cold air!

Tools and huge pieces of wood just sitting there... help....

Probably outside the scope of Houzz, but if you have access to money, set some aside out of the account. Two suggestions. First, invite a couple of his friends over for a Saturday afternoon. Preferably, married friends with kids. If not married, then ones that show responsibility and hope they embarrass your husband into action. Second, look up a local house cleaning/organizing service and get a quote to get your bedroom, living room, bathroom, entrance and kitchen to livable standards. You’re going to need every one of those rooms in working order prior to and after the baby comes. Toss all the junk in the garage and let him sort it out. Once you have a couple of quotes, give your husband two weeks to get his act in order. If little or nothing is done, get the cleaning service into action. You and your baby deserve a safe, comfortable environment.

Third suggestion: contact his mother and enlist some help.

Great advice Tony Stevens - you're a good soul.

Jannite Ortiz, I am so sorry for you and I completely understand your frustration. How are things now? I hope you've had progress.

I came across this post this morning and realised that I had actually commented and Polly929 you had replied. I was having a wonderful dream about being in New York with a younger Billy Joel singing in the streets when I woke up and became annoyed with my house for no reason. 3 years it has been since I found your post and found someone going through the same thing as me. My 7 month old child is now nearly 4 and number 2 will be joining us in September. The 4 year olds room never got finished and he still has bare concrete floor but i did at least get an unfinished (what else) living room and hallway floor. My kitchen has remained unchanged. A few things have come along but we’re still in our house limbo. I do understand the comments about ‘do it yourself’ in some ways but when we looked at this house and he said “what potential“ I said it was too much work. I was worried he didn’t have the time or the personality to get it finished. He went on about how it was not as bad as it looked and it‘d be 18 months tops. It’s our 6th year in the house this year and its a Jekyll and Hyde kind of home. I’ve managed to bring people in to work on parts but they’ve all been the sort to let you down. I have to have faith that someone out there, woman or man will help me finish my home one day.

Ah so good to find this discussion, although no real solutions at least company.
So it is common, us woman trusting that the projects will make progress to finish, then being let down. At the same time it seems we have been told getting help is not an option.
I think perhaps the best suggestion was to stop getting put off and reach out for discrete projects.
Hopefully this will either motivate our partner or husband to focus and finish or not get in the way.

When he comes home from work, meet him at the door wearing nothing but a smile with a beer in your left hand and a riding crop in your right. He'll take the hint and get busy, believe me.

So much for "no solutions".

Well said! Glad you are in remission! My grandkids are 27, 24 & 20. Where does time go. I enjoy my 2 kids when I get to see them, house doesn't matter as much as it used to, quality time with my 52 & 54 year old kids is wonderful. The 27 year old has 2 year old & twins any day now, They are in upper Midwest so glad for INTERNET so at least will get pics. Take care & stay in remission!

@polly929 wishing you health for many more years. Life throws lessons at us when we least expect it.

This thread is the absolute best. The fact that it has lived so long and been revisited by the original poster with updates is amazing. I just found it after googling “husband wants to diy everything but never gets anything done”. My husband and I have struggled with this so much. I go in phases where I’m more patient and then suddenly the world will cave in on me unless x project is finished. We both work and have three kids 7 and under so nothing is happening quickly around here. Reading these comments was refreshing at both ends of the spectrum. To be able to read about others with similar struggles was so validating (most of my friends either outsource or don’t seem to care about stuff like this). But what really hit me was polly929’s reminder that these are good problems to have, such a nugget of wisdom! I’ve certainly thought of it conceptually but but reading a personal story that started so similar to my current journey really made an impact on me. Polly929 wishing you continued health and so grateful for you sharing your journey. A great reminder to focus on what’s most important. 💛

Omg, this is exactly what I am , have always, had to deal with. I'm so sick of it. I just told him, " well I guess I'll have to wait for you to die and then hire someone ".

Exactly same problem here. I've tried everything, so tired of nagging

HIre it out please. Now, before he's dead and has to see and pay the bill.

Note:

Anytime I'm proposing a job and a customer starts in with "Well, I would do this job myself, but (insert any crap reason here)" they immediately go on double secret probation.

My husband IS EXACTLY THE SAME. I'm furious

Hire it out JoAnne please.

I’ve gone through this my entire married life.
Hubby literally built our first little cottage with one labourer and I helped as well, that took 6 years.
We then moved and that house was too small so he added onto that, again just him, everything took forever and was never finished, drove me mad. In the end we ended up with a huge house and it had staff rooms in the garden that he also renovated into a cottage.
We then decided to move overseas this year and because the house and cottage weren’t finished we had to hire help, first time he has ever done that but it was finished in no time. I was astounded at how quick renovating could be.
So that house took 27 years to complete, we brought up three children in a building site for most of the time, he was obsessed with doing everything himself literally, from plumbing to electric conduits to bricklaying, no he wasn’t a builder by occupation either.
So now I’m in the UK in a 17 year old house that’s very nice. Its got quite a few things that need fixing, taps that need new washers and lights that need replacing and I bought a heater that needs to be fitted under the kitchen counter.
Now he has decided he isn’t doing any DIY and even if I ask nicely it gets ignored, I bought curtain rails as some rooms didn’t have any and it took 5 weeks before he reluctantly put them up.
The kitchen heater I bought 7 weeks ago is still sitting in its box, Xmas came and went and the kitchen is re as lot cold, the more I ask the more he digs his heads in and won’t do it.
Did I tell you we retired and he just sits in his study all day on the computer, he likes learning things and “attends” marketing webinars.
I can’t tell you how lonely I am as all our kids are in different countries as well so I’m on my own with my “ lodger “ because that’s how it feels.
Any idea how I can get him to help, I do absolutely everything including in the garden.

You can't make him do anything, but you don't have to stay there. You can make other choices about how you're going to live the rest of your life, including just hiring someone to do the work you want done. Or move yourself to a completed dwelling and get a life you enjoy.

After 20 years of this, I’m pretty much ready to be done. i love my husband. I just so badly want to walk into my house one time, just once, and not have crap everywhere. I rented a storage space this month and am moving some of my things into it. I decided to do this so i can put his tools on the shelves instead. so i guess my decorations will be tools. But at least they’ll be off the floor. And maybe i can find a different place for my clothes so i dont have to keep them in the living room. embarrassing and frustrating to live like this. Also i am tossing around the idea of finding a lot in town and building a small house for myself and the kids if they want to come-but there will be expectations.

I’m retired and don’t have funds to move to a separate place or to pay for somebody to fix everything.
I’m well aware that you can’t make somebody do anything if they don’t want to, but so you think I always want to cook and clean, no I don’t but I do it because I care about him.

Sounds like you believe you are stuck then and are willing to give more than he is.

Just Wow to your comments.

Susan Hawksworth, it sounds like your undone projects are fairly simple. You may want to watch videos on “how to” and tackle them yourself. I am now the handy person in my home and have no complaints about it.

Susan, I wasn't trying to be mean, just realistic. You know you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do; you've said so. You say you cook and clean, even though you might not want to, because you care about him, but he is unwilling to show you the same care to you by doing things that are important to you. You say you can't hire someone to do things he won't do and you say you cannot change your circumstances (or you are unwilling to). What do you think the solution could possibly be?

No problem, I have done everything that I can do as far as DIY around the house is concerned, Ivepainted the 40m wooden fence and pressure cleaned the entire paving front and back. I've done grouting and other jobs at our past houses including scraping off moldy plaster and fixing up the damp and cracks, but there are some things I just can't manage anymore.

I will probably paint and decorate inside this one as well at some stage.

I have had major surgery on both my hands, so its difficult doing some jobs especially if it requires gripping as my thumbs are not good.

Anyway never mind, it was nice reading im not alone and its not just my hubby.

Maybe don't pay the cable bill so he loses his internet connection, lol.

This sounds sooo familiar i am still awake typing this at 4 am becuase i am so frusrated. our 3 year project has started to take its tolll on my dhdu but as a consequence my youngest daughter still doenst have a proper bedroom after eaiting nearly 5 years ( shes 17 living in tiny box room) deadlines came and went. we got a lounge for christmas but her bitrthday is looming and even that isnt enough of an incentive. i need to get a builder to help but anyone who is any good would run a mile. i just dont know what to do 😢 so funny reading the thread and peoples ideas of motivation -ive tried em all! i would be happy to pay someone else but he will only criticise their work he has been known to undo other peoples work in the past . he definitley has a bad case of renovation ADD but we are all suffering as a consequence and that isnt fair

Hi Joanne
Sorry to read you are in a similar situation.
My heater for the kitchen is still sitting on top of the cupboards waiting to be installed, I’ve given up even mentioning it now.
What about re decorating your daughters room with her as a project together. I do all the painting in the house and it’s easy to do and it really makes a difference, upcycle some furniture also with paint. I’m on a nice fb group called upcycle amazing what people make.
I’ve been watching some You Tube videos to learn how to do things and Instagram has a few really interesting people to follow for inspiration and advice.
I totally understand how you are feeling, it’s incredibly frustrating and I actually don’t think there is a solution if you’ve tried every avenue to persuade your hubby to finish a project unless you either do it yourself or get somebody in to finish it.
Mine got really irritated having builders in to finish our house before we moved to the UK but it had to be done and finished to be able to sell it, he even went around after they left to check they had done everything to his standards…….. sigh.
Wishing you all the best.

Iys a small comfort to know im not the only one in thos predicament xx

I vote you sell his tools to afford to hire it out. Problem solved.

Oh people I feel your pain.

Here I am, awake again at 2am, stressing about windows, when the next phone call will be coming about the kitchen which we put a deposit on last year and the kitchen appliances which were bought in September and are still at the store (they are expecting them to be picked up by Easter).

He is a carpenter and 5 years ago it was agreed our house would take priority over other jobs as finally our mortgage was down to almost nothing and I work full time. That never happened. Some people still got their jobs done, quite a lot of fishing happened and he earned sweet FA to top it off, which has caused a lot of resentment on my behalf as we have lived in the ugliest house on the street for 17 of the 20 years we’ve been here.

2 years ago I took long service leave as I thought if I was there helping/supporting him things might happen. LOL. He decided to take a job on a boat with a mate and bloody COVID happened literally a week in. With lockdowns and the QLD border closure we ended up at a standstill. Trouble is, since the border opened he still hasn’t made any effort to order windows or flooring and we can’t install the kitchen until they are in place. He even told me I should ring the window people which REALLY pissed me off as I already work 40+ hours a week and have no idea what to tell them. I just want to scream.

Our eldest son has literally no respect for him because of his Reno ADD and the tension in the house is awful. We are living with a cheap Kmart benchtop oven, single hot plate and a metre of free bench space so cooking is a nightmare and our dining table is in our 5 x 5m lounge room with 2 couches & tv.

It’s just so frustrating coming home from working my ass off all day to find that he’s been watching Netflix or shows he’s recorded instead of picking up the goddam phone and calling a window rep.

I’m torn between staying and hoping he pulls his finger out as he said he wants it done by his 50th (May) or moving out and throwing our reno money away into renting somewhere for myself for the sake of my sanity.

Thanks for letting me rant!

Rant all you want! Your compaints are very valid and your requests are reasonable. Your current approach has not worked yet so it might be time to try another one. I don't know how practical it woud be to find a short term rental but it wouldn't be expensive to research. Do you want out of the house or do you want him out? 

It sounds like his current lifestyle suits him so any changes aren't going to start there. The current situation will continue until you force the issue. I would probaby start by cancelling the Netflix account and redoing finances so your paycheck stays under your control to pay the bills for the necessities and for you and the kids. If he wants to ignore his responsibilities,  that's on him but carefully withdraw your financial and operational support. If these comments apply, great but if they don't, do what suits your needs. Someone should be focusing on what you need and it won't be him.

You have the right to your own sanity and to use your resources to pursue it. You have the right to determine your own future whether he approves or not. His happiness is not your concern; your plate is full with taking care of yourself and your children.  

Best wishes and again, rant all you want!

Thanks for the sympathetic ear Lyndee. Our kids are 20 and 18 now, but due to rental prices doubling and a shortage over COVID, the oldest is still here, although he desperately wants to move out. The youngest just finished school and is trying to get his drivers license so he can get a job, so we are still supporting him.

I separated our finances 20 years ago. He doesn’t care about money and is absolutely hopeless with it. Can save if he wants something but it’s never been something to do with the house. I’ve saved the whole reno budget myself.

I keep talking myself out of the rental thing because it will cost minimum $500 per week for a hard to find unit, which is half my pay and that’s a huge amount of money to not be putting into my own property iykwim? Plus I would miss my dog terribly. I have thought about canning Netflix and breaking the DVR 😈, but I’m sure that would cause a scene but it’s the logical next step isn’t it? Maybe I could just change the password so I can still enjoy my shows 🤔 Bloody Taureans!

Update: he finally rang a window rep and they are coming Tuesday!!!

Any chance of talking him into taking another away from home job? He might enjoy the opportunity to go work with his mate or some other group of guys and get a kickstart on getting out of his funk. Then you could have the place to yourself, save the rental money and get your boys to help you tackle the house. I might toss your least favorite couch and replace it with two comfortable chairs so easy to move around and one person can't occupy two seats that way. Ikea Poang chairs are cheap, comfortable and easy to update with new cover. Your oldest son could pick the color and cushion he likes then take it with him when he moves out.

Sometimes you need to adapt your furnishings to nudge people in the direction you want them to move. When my kids were elementary school age, I got tired of the dining table becoming a dump spot so I removed it rather than fuss and nag. We had a table to use in an eating nook off the kitchen which was our primary eating spot. I put two comfortable reading chairs in the dining room and made it a hangout space for my husband and I. The dining room went from being a walk through dump space to my most used room in the house.

Good luck with the window rep and hopefully your husband will get with the program to avoid getting left behind